madabandon

happy birthday

2010-07-16T00:14:00.002-04:00

Today would be my mother's 74th birthday. It has been 23 years and I miss her every single day. She was a unique, beautiful being, and her life was not easy, but she she taught me to love life and nature and art, and she touched many people in her short life. She was brave, a person ahead of her time, and she was fierce in her beliefs and values. She was a person of highest integrity, and she will live on in my memory and that of my brother and sister as long as we are here. Mom, I miss you. I wish you were around.

self portrait

2010-06-03T19:56:00.000-04:00

2010-05-26T08:59:00.000-04:00

world

2010-05-18T23:42:00.000-04:00

2010-04-03T18:37:00.001-04:00

crossing

2010-03-31T07:49:00.001-04:00

crossing
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

2010-03-07T09:19:00.001-05:00

water lilies

2010-03-03T08:43:00.001-05:00

water lilies
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

swan

2010-01-18T00:39:00.001-05:00

swan
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

terre dure, limite

2009-11-16T09:55:00.002-05:00

terre dur limit
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

2009-11-03T09:22:00.001-05:00

end of summer

2009-09-02T17:53:00.002-04:00

The summer is coming to an end, evident in the changing light and shorter days. The weather is cooler, the air holds a crisp promise of cold weather to come, and my days change in their rhythm. I attend to scheduling classes at school, to organizing my teaching material, and to figuring out a workable balance among composing, teaching, running a large and vibrant department, and maintaining some time for myself. I feel neutral, neither anxious nor sad. It's more of a calm patience, awaiting what the coming weeks hold for me.

Ghost Cows

2009-08-18T13:31:00.001-04:00

Ghost Cows
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

These cows were observed from the window of a train as I traveled from Berlin to Sachsen-Anhalt back in July. They appear surreal. The streets of my `hood have a similar quality today; the heat rises from the street in shimmering waves; the air is chokingly thick and the sky shifts color. Now it looks like storms are approaching. This is the hottest weather we have had here since the summer began. I lose my desire to go out, but at the same time I feel stir-crazy staying in. Dilemma. But I am getting work done. Lots.

path

2009-08-14T18:22:00.001-04:00

path
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Starting two new projects as the shadow of the school year looms makes me a little unsettled, yet nothing is a better motivator than a time crunch. So I move forward. It has been quite hot here in NYC and thus I have stayed inside, skipping the Francis Bacon show at the Met, due to close on Sunday. I am not actually a huge fan of his work but I did want to see it in the context of a retrospective. But the last few times I've gone to the Met it has been so crowded that it has made me grumpy. I don't like to be rushed, and I don't like the distraction of hordes of people walking past while I try to look. So unless tomorrow is magically cool and NYC is partially evacuated--although the latter feels true since most people go away in August--I will skip it.

road

2009-07-28T11:00:00.001-04:00

road
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

calm

2009-07-24T13:33:00.001-04:00

East Village Mosaic
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am in New Hampshire, at the MacDowell Colony, happily ensconced in Hillcrest, the house where Edward MacDowell and his wife Marian lived. I have the house to myself and it is rather grand, but grand in that New England kind of way, quite different from Brooklyn grand.

This is my first time back to MacDowell since 1990. It is hard to believe that so much time has passed by. I never reapplied after my second residency. I'm not sure why, but life intervened, I started going to Yaddo instead, and MacDowell receded in my memory. But now that I am here again I realize that I should come for another residency, perhaps next summer. Although I wonder: what will my little family do in my absence?

The rehearsal this morning went beautifully and I am very pleased with how my piece turned out. With every new piece I learn more. I hope that never stops.

Berlin Wall

2009-07-15T20:19:00.001-04:00

Berlin Wall
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is what remains of the Berlin Wall. It is a stretch about fifty feet long on a rather bland street. Across the street from this remnant of the wall is a little museum in the form of a steel tower which you can ascend and get a view of how the scar of the wall bisects the city. I came upon it unintentionally--although it was a place I was interested in visiting--and found it very moving. To imagine this magnificent city split in two, and how people who might have been friends separated by only a few streets were entirely cut off from one another. And the utter prosaic location, and the blocks of post-war East German apartments across from it, belie it's intense symbolism. Like much of Berlin I found it intense, and it made me wonder what it must be like to live in a city with such a powerful and dramatic history.

leaving Berlin

2009-07-13T16:14:00.001-04:00

water lilies
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I like this picture a lot, because it sums up some things I've discovered about this city. It is a beautiful city, full of history and architectural wonders. It is also a vital living city that does not in any way feel like a museum. There is creative energy all over the place: witness the pink wall in this little park I stumbled upon today.

But I am ready to leave. I have been in solitude long enough. I am beginning to feel alienated, and I feel my spirits sinking. I have no friends here; I have not had a real conversation in days save for a nice night out for drinks with a former student and her boyfriend. I have walked miles and miles, looking, watching, listening. But I need human contact; not the superficial kind, but the kind I get from my friends. I am lonely by nature. Traveling alone makes me keenly aware of how significant loneliness is to my life. I should not force loneliiness for long.

So I am packed. I will sleep for a few hours and go to the airport. I am quite tired so hopefully I will sleep on the plane, something that is difficult for me usually. I can't wait to see my pets. I miss them terribly.

2009-07-08T22:55:00.002-04:00

I am in Berlin. I arrived on Tuesday. I am here alone. Traveling alone used to thrill me, and then for many years I could not do it. Yet this time I feel a sense of wonderment at how, thousands of miles from home, I wander strange beautiful streets; I negotiate the subway and find that my German is better and worse than I'd thought. And I live in my own head, for I hardly speak to anyone else. And so now it is almost five a.m. and the strange jet lag makes sleep impossible. I went to Daniel Libeskind's museum, one dedicated to the holocaust, and had a profoundly sad experience, connecting to the story of my mother's family in a powerful way. I cried. And then I plunged myself headlong into memory. I was not focused on old memories of childhood, but those of the closer past, a time when I was almost crazy with confusion and lust and dread and heartbreak.

I feel ill at ease here in a way. It is a beautiful and vibrant city. It is also in Germany, the country that perpetuated a horror that killed most of my mother's family and made my own childhood one suffused with a tragic sadness. My mother told me of her story too early in my own life for me to be able to process it, and so I am convinced my depression or melancholy or whatever I might call it stems from that, in part if not wholely.

But then I found these children playing in the Garden of Exile.

traveling man

2009-07-05T21:52:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow afternoon I will head to JFK and from there fly to Berlin on SwissAir. There is a layover in Zurich. From Berlin I will go to Wernigerode to the International Choral Festival "Johannes Brahms" where I will be a guest of a music school in that small very old village in the Harz Mountains. Then I will return for a couple more days in Berlin, and then back to NYC to begin preparing for the premiere in New Hampshire at the end of the month. I am looking forward to Berlin. At the same time I have to admit that my depression/anomieis on the upswing. I will just see how it goes. One thing I know is that I will have time to stroll and think and that maybe I will manage to post something here from Germany. Stay tuned...

travel

2009-06-08T18:05:00.003-04:00

This July I will be traveling in Germany. I will start in Berlin and then spend a few days at a choral music festival in Wernigerode, an incredily well preserved town in the Harz Mountains known particularly for a beautiful castle perched high on a mountaintop. I will then return to Berlin, but can't stay for long because I must be back in NYC to rehearse for a premiere later that month. I am excited to go. It has been a very long time since I have traveled to Europe. Berlin in particular sounds like a wonderful place for me. I have imagined myself becoming utterly charmed by the art scene there and becoming an ex-pat, although my significant obligations and ties here would make that hard to do on any kind of permanent basis. I do hope to find some opportunities for performing and composing over there; the European scene is wonderfully diverse, and public appreciation for non-pop music is high. So now I am planning; I've already booked my plane tickets. If anyone has any recommendations for a good affordable hotel in Berlin please let me know. Thanks!

beautiful patsy

2009-06-04T10:07:00.001-04:00

beautiful patsy
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Patsy grows ever more regal and elegant. She reminds me so much of Pomona. But Pomona acted silly sometimes. Patsy is never anything but refined and lady-like.

pale green eyes

2009-05-31T13:48:00.001-04:00

pale green eyes
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

My lady Patsy

My Friend the Pony

2009-05-03T18:52:00.001-04:00

My Friend the Pony
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

yellow flowers

2009-05-03T18:50:00.001-04:00

yellow flowers
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

two beauties

2009-05-03T18:49:00.001-04:00

two beauties
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

2009-03-19T08:32:00.001-04:00

2009-03-15T19:32:00.000-04:00

2009-02-21T10:22:00.001-05:00

2009-02-21T10:15:00.001-05:00

2009-02-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

2009-02-15T22:49:00.000-05:00

happy new year, belatedly

2009-01-06T19:50:00.002-05:00

Green is far and away my favorite color, so I offer this green photograph as my greetings for the new year. So far so good. Things go along, days go by; I am busy almost all the time without a lot of time, lately, to reflect. I am finding that my mood is captive to my dreams, so I have been making a special effort to spend time upon waking reviewing the strange twists and plots of my usually colorful dreams. Mine are rarely all good or all bad, but seem to be a mixture of shades. I am happy to report that I feel content lately, with only some nagging physical complaints: a relentless sinus/respiratory problem that is resisting all my attempts to find relief.

happy holidays

2008-12-25T10:43:00.002-05:00

Lost, continued

2008-12-24T12:03:00.003-05:00

No, I am not lost. But I continue to lose small things. I lost my favorite eraser, which may not sound like a big deal (or any deal at all) but I am almost fetishistic about the materials I use to write music, and the eraser was one of them. I also lost a mechanical pencil that I also liked very much. I have realized that being absent-minded is harmful. The harm comes from the stress I go through when I endlessly search for the lost item. I must be mindful about each and every thing I do, so that when I find myself about to put the eraser in some obscure place I will stop myself.

lost

2008-12-16T18:04:00.002-05:00

In the past two weeks I have lost a hat, a mechanical pencil that I loved, and my wallet. The latter was lost on Saturday, while rushing for the subway. I had many packages in my hands and was rushing to catch the R train that was pulling in to Canal Street. Somewhere in swiping my card, negotiating the revolving-door-style turnstile, and keep my packages from getting tangled up or dropped, I must have dropped the wallet. There was no money in it, only my drivers license, my bank card, and one credit card. The worst thing is that I did not discover it was missing until about six hours later, when I was on my way out the door to go out to dinner. Fortunately, no one had tried to use any of my cards, and I had them all canceled. But still, I hate losing things. Losing something makes me feel like I am not in control of myself.

oh well

2008-11-18T18:04:00.003-05:00

I had made a little promise to myself. When I finished my last commission (the new piece is called A SPACE BETWEEN, and it's a rather large composition) I was going to give myself a break; I didn't have another commission lined up, and I would take the opportunity to work on some electronic and electroacoustic pieces that I could perform myself. But lo and behold, unbidden, a new commission comes along. This is a large project involving many composers, all of whom will set poems by Richard Wilbur. The works will be performed at the Monadnock Music Festival in New Hampshire next summer. I will be in august company. I couldn't say no. The musicians I will write for are superb, and this is a wonderful festival with a stellar reputation. So no hiatus, at least not yet.

green

2008-11-12T23:26:00.000-05:00

Do you know what this is?

I had to...

2008-10-22T20:06:00.002-04:00

Post this poem that I just heard on "The Writer's Almanac" on WNYC:

Ocean Drive

by Miriam Levine

Some of us rush from our houses while it's still light
to reach the green allée and the red-lit colonnade.
We press our noses deep into the opening frangipani
and when the Latin band begins we dance to the end of the song.

We dip our children into the ocean and drink
their salty smiles while two feet away a man lies
drunk in the grass. The sun will burn him again.
His shoes are gone and his clothes have dried to his body like a shroud.

In the end we all have to lie down.
If I'm lucky you'll touch my hand and I'll remember
all the good you have done me and your beauty—
no one was more beautiful, your wet black hair, your hands full of roses.

new

2008-10-07T13:41:00.003-04:00

For Luigi Nono
oil, acrylic and ink 24"x48"
2008

This is my first new painting in years.

transport: new york

2008-09-27T13:41:00.002-04:00

I worked on this project with Yoshitaka. I like it. I have not watched it in a long while, and I don't know what made me think of it--perhaps the dull grey of the sky today--but I am glad that I did.

How I Hate This Man and Everything He Stands For

2008-09-24T18:58:00.001-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/24/campaign.wrap/index.html

2008-09-03T06:58:00.001-04:00

Labor Day is past. My schedule tightens up. I do better when busy. I don't know how often I will post here. Tune in from time to time.

future

2008-08-24T20:25:00.002-04:00

Well, this spot doesn't look like this now, but in a few months it will. The air has held the promise of fall the past several days until today the humidity put me back into summer. But it mattered little because I stayed in and painted the baseboards of my apartment (thrilling!) and worked.

Last weekend I went to New Hampshire to hear my "Hommage à B.B." beautifully performed at the Monadnock Music Festival. There was a very warm and interested audience and I gave a little talk about my piece at the start of the concert. It was fun overall. And New Hampshire is just beautiful. Why don't I live there?

freaky

2008-08-12T11:48:00.003-04:00

Donald Erb, a very fine composer, passed away last night. The reason I mention this is that on Sunday I was thinking of Donald Erb, completely out of the blue. I was wondering what he was up to and that I had not heard anything about him in years. He was a great composer, a very unpretentious and garrulous guy (qualities notably absent in many composers, I've found). I should talk. I like to think that I am not pretentious--I hope I am not--but I don't know if I, or anyone, would ever describe me as "garrulous." Maybe I am psychic. This is not the first time such a thing has happened.

working all the time

2008-08-06T14:59:00.000-04:00

2008-08-01T11:05:00.000-04:00

more (will it ever end?)

2008-07-27T11:51:00.004-04:00

Well, I had vowed that my shopping would end with the purchase of my bike. But yesterday I made my way, once again, to Secaucus NJ. My destination? The DWR Annex, the site of most of my best furniture finds. And lo and behold, I found a rare Eames Case Study bedside table. I have always wanted the case study bed (in the picture), but it can't fit into the elevator of my building. But the bedside table is another item I've longed for. And it was marked down ridiculously, unlike most of the stuff at the annex, seemingly priced for a vanished class of I-bankers. I think they discounted it because it appeared to have a large stain, which upon close inspection revealed itself to be easily removed. So I carted it home, and it sits next to my bed now, its ample drawer filled with various items, its large surface home to my radio and a pile of books. I think that now my bedroom is complete, although a new dresser would be great one day.

Note: the picture is NOT my room; the shoes are a giveaway. Strange as I might be sometimes, I don't wear shoes like that, ever. And as I said, I don't have a case study bed.

waking up

2008-07-22T18:56:00.003-04:00

Coming out of a bad depression is like waking up from a nightmare. Today for the first time I am starting to feel normal. I got up easily and went about my obligations with a sense of anticipation and pleasure, a fundamental change from the last ten days. This is typical of my cycle. Now I have to watch out that I don't swing too far in the other direction. Luckily I am so used to the symptoms of both poles that I think I will be ok. I am happy that things are looking up, and I hope this normal period lasts. I think part of it was that this time I didn't deny that I was struggling to my family and friends; if anything, my blunt statement of just how bad it was may well have been cathartic. Certainly my brother and sister both seem to understand more; and I got in touch with an old friend, someone I care for deeply and had hurt very badly in the past, and just that contact has given me some hope. And riding my bike is so much fun that I can't help but smile about it. One gift of depression is that it feels so good when it lifts.

bike

2008-07-21T09:10:00.004-04:00

For the past year or more I have thought of purchasing a bike. I was an avid bicyclist in high school and during the summers when I would leave NYC for Vermont; while at the MacDowell Colony I probably spent half my time biking through the beautiful New Hampshire landscape. Now, many years later and one knee surgery behind me, I decided to go for it. I went into Manhattan and purchased a wonderful invention, particularly for urbanites: a folding bike, a Dahon Curve D3, pictured above. I rode it back from Soho, down into lower Manhattan, across the Brooklyn Bridge and to my building. Later I rode to Dumbo park to watch the sunset. This marks the end of my buying season. Here's an inventory: ceiling fan, television, furniture, bicycle. Enough already.

normal

2008-07-19T11:30:00.002-04:00

When asked how I am I invariably respond with some variation on fine, good, busy, great or swamped with work. I never say "I am fundamentally depressed" or "I am exhausted by my depression." To do so would be most truthful, but I recognize that it is hardly socially acceptable. But lately it is the most accurate answer. On Thursday night I was on the verge of something and I called a small number of friends, trying to find a caring and receptive ear. It was a general failure, though the one person I reached at least gave me a pep talk. But it made me feel lonelier than ever. I don't know what the solution is. Depression is something people just don't want to hear about. I can't blame them; I am sick of it myself. I am trying acupuncture in the hope that this will help. Honestly, I am becoming desperate. But I am sure that today, should I venture out into the inferno, if anyone asks I will smile and say that I am fine, or good, or something like that.

hot

2008-07-18T13:38:00.002-04:00

So I finally completed the installation of my ceiling fan with some help from a neighbor. However in putting the light fixture in place I discovered that the bulb--some new kind of compact fluorescent that I'd never seen before--arrived broken. Aren't they full of mercury? If so I most likely have mercury poisoning. I called and they are sending a new one. But the fan works wonderfully, and helps cool my overly-warm dining are. Now I need to go to sleep for a while. A siesta to calm my tattered nerves.

Happy Birthday

2008-07-16T18:03:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday Mom! Wonder what you are like as a 72-year-old. We all miss you.

Patsy Cline and Johnny Guitar

2008-07-15T16:22:00.004-04:00

My guitar now lives in my bedroom. The living room was too cluttered. So now Patsy has figured that the most effective way to wake me is to play the guitar early in the morning. She plucks a string or two, knowing full well that it won't fail to at least make me groan and send her away. I have to say she is somewhat considerate; having woken me, she doesn't bother me when and if I fall back asleep.

horoscope

2008-07-08T17:49:00.001-04:00

For July 9, 2008:

"You can make major changes in your life if you use your head, your good ideas and your strength and courage to put your plans in motion. There is a chance that someone who owes you will come through for you, so don't hesitate to ask."

But what if I don't want to make major changes in my life? I guess I should not "use my head" tomorrow.

dreaming

2008-07-08T07:04:00.005-04:00

Lately I have had the most incredibly, vivid dreams. They amaze me with their clarity and feature people who have not normally appeared in my dreams, including members of my family (who have always been notably, conspicuously absent). I won't detail them, but several have actually been cathartic, worth a thousand therapy sessions apiece.

This morning I woke ridiculously early, probably a vestige of my re-setting of my own diurnal clock, something I had to do because I had jury duty yesterday (it was not unpleasant, and best of all I was dismissed at about 3:20 pm, having not even been called for a single jury "voir dire"). As is my morning habit I was listening to WNYC. The hosts were asking people what their favorite summer song was. I thought immediately of that song "Sandy" (not it's full name) by Bruce Springsteen, and then I thought back to the time when that song was in the air.

I was still in high school, naive but not simple, knowing so little of the world and yet content in the way that one is when one feels he understands his surroundings. My world was so circumscribed that I did understand it then. I knew how to negotiate and flourish and succeed in a way that I feel I have never been able to do since.

Do we all feel that way about youth? While I was baffled and troubled by so many things, in fact I could drive all over the southern half of my state without knowing the names of the roads; I could go to a party and know half the people there; I thought that the best thing was riding on a summer night with all the windows open on our way to the lake to smoke and drink and get high. And when I thought of all this--and of course the familiar comfort of my family and the neighbors and the junked cars in the yard next door--I felt incredibly anguished, like I've lost something that I can never reclaim and will never know again.

STONER

2008-07-06T11:49:00.003-04:00

It's not what you think. I just finished this novel, STONER, by John Williams, an author I'd never heard of until I read the review of the novel in the NY Times' Book Review last spring. I picked it up at Saint Mark's Books and then never got around to reading it until last week. The frenetic pace of the school year's end had left me a little frazzled, but last week I started to feel the kind of balance that inspired me to read. It was a stunning novel about a drab man in a drab world, but the man is a hero in a way that some people might never understand. For an idealistic creative person like me Stoner's heroism was breathtaking. The writing was as beautiful, clear and pristine as any I've read. Oh how sad I was at the end, not only because of the tragedy of the plot but because I wanted to continue to live inside the world of that book. There are many things I can relate to in it, and while it described a world away, it appealed to me on a gut level in many regards. Get it, read it. The title of the post is linked to a page on Amazon. You can buy it there.

happy ears

2008-07-02T18:54:00.002-04:00

This afternoon I picked up my custom-made musicians' ear plugs. I went to the audiologist in May, but could not find the time to return to get the finished product until today. I put them in before riding the subway back. I have to say that my entire subway experience is vastly improved now. The horrendous screeching of the wheels, the general din, is muffled yet I can still hear extremely clearly. In fact I think I hear more clearly because the background noise is reduced. The filters are designed for performing musicians. The decibel level is lowered without sacrificing any dynamic range. I could see myself leaving them in permanently. I should have gotten these years ago.

shrinking and growing

2008-06-26T15:50:00.003-04:00

I continue to lose weight for reasons I can't quite determine. I now weigh what I weighed in college. Odd. I am eating. Maybe it is because I am going to the gym almost every day, and I work myself into a frenzy. It's good for my head.

I had my hair cut today and my guy remarked that it is growing very fast lately. I wonder what it all means? I am physically shrinking yet my hair grows more quickly than ever. Hmmmmm.

reincarnation

2008-06-23T19:24:00.001-04:00

sleeping
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I believe that Hammy is the reincarnation of Tuna. They have incredibly similar personalities. Hammy, like Tuna, loves parmesan cheese and olives, crackers and muffins and scones too. He is very affectionate and he loves Patsy and often cleans her just like Tuna used to do. And he has a high squeaky funny voice, just like Tuna did. And last but not least, he is HUGE. And Tuna was one of the biggest cats I have ever known.

do not enter

2008-06-22T16:38:00.002-04:00

Most people view me as a productive person with a busy career. And I suppose it is true. I view myself as a person who spends a lot of energy devising strategies to ward off the ever-looming depression that tries to sabotage me. Today, for example, I have been keeping busy: I finally completed transferring all my files from my old computer to this one; I reorganized the many scores that are stored on my various hard drives; I am now working on my tabla piece, slowly but steadily. But the whole day I feel the shadow overhead and I know that if I let up I am going to get slammed.

desire

2008-06-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

I wish that I were not in the city today. I wish to be in the woods, alone. Well, Mabel could come with me. That would be fine.

memory

2008-06-20T18:36:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of my teacher. I miss him. Today I heard an interview, or a clip of an interview, on WNYC. The author who was being interviewed made a statement about being a writer that, in tone and even in vocal timbre, sounded eerily like Ralph. At first I was freaked out, as if Ralph himself was speaking directly to me in my apartment. But Ralph died almost six years ago. I miss him, but I feel that he is very much alive because my memories of him are so vivid, and the things he taught me--so many things--are so alive in my mind.

word of the day

2008-06-19T09:26:00.001-04:00

garden

2008-06-18T14:01:00.003-04:00

As a boy I loved growing plants, indoors and out. I was in charge of our vegetable garden in the summer; as I got older and took over the garden got larger and larger. I also worked as a gardener, mostly for some wealthy friends of my mother who had no kids; they had fastidiously landscaped ground surrounding their posh modern house, and I took care of the plantings and even planted some large shrubs and an asparagus garden (this is rather complex). I loved the work.

Well now I am on the board of directors of my builidng (a co-op, common in NYC) and I have taken on management of the garden as one of my projects. We have a wonderful gardener and I am excited to be able to get back to plants and all the work that goes with them. My light-filled apartment is not so great for most house plants, because my exposure is northeast, and I don't get enough full sun for most houseplants. Those that can grow get eaten or destroyed by Patsy and Hammy. But in my sun-filled apartment in Chicago I had a veritable jungle.

family portrait (pre-Hammy)

2008-06-15T20:37:00.001-04:00

so what

2008-06-14T17:17:00.002-04:00

This corner, this small detail, brings back a flood of memories as intense as the torrents of rain that are smashing against my windows as I write this.

sentimental

2008-06-12T18:20:00.003-04:00

Someone emailed me recently and expressed that she did not know how I did it, seeing another class graduate; most of the students I have known for many years. How I must feel like I am losing some piece of myself each year. And in thinking about it, she is right. I have always been torn up at the end of the year. There are people I will truly miss. I like to think that I will see them all again, and I certainly will see some. But others...

Some years ago, not long after I met Y, I began work on a piece that I see as continually in progress; I wrote a tiny parable about a man who, upon waking infested with fleas, swims straight out in the ocean, toward the sun. Little did I know then that this is a parable that is true for me. I will probably never complete the piece, just as the man will never reach the sun.

summer is here (almost)

2008-06-03T07:38:00.001-04:00

albatross
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I know that summer is here because I have had to turn on my air-conditioners. There is a price to pay for top-floor living in NYC. For the privilege of not having people walking around over your head, and for the unobstructed view, one pays with higher electric bills. My building is about 90 years old; there is no insulation between my ceiling the roof. The roof is painted silver to reflect the sun, but still once the temperature tops 80F for a few days it heats up. I don't have much cross-ventilation, so on goes the A/C. I am reasonable and try to keep the thermostat up at 75F. And did you know that in a co-op the higher the floor the higher the monthly maintenance charge? If I lived a few floors down I would pay a few hundred dollars less per month.

busy-ness

2008-05-29T17:26:00.004-04:00

Well, it's happened. I bought a Blackberry. I got the small one which I must say is very well designed. I have reached the point professionally where I must be able to access my email, and this frees me from the computer. I will never--I swear--turn into one of those people who walks the streets of New York never looking up, but squinting down at the tiny screen flicking through messages. If you see me do that slap me.

2008-05-27T07:54:00.002-04:00

I spent late last Friday afternoon at Dumbo park with my friend D. It is a beautiful spot. Little did I know what the rest of the night held. Had I known, I might have just stayed put.

reflection

2008-05-25T02:50:00.001-04:00

reflection
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

It is almost 3 am. I am still awake. I tried to sleep but found that I could not get past the initial stage of tiredness, the one that usually leads to the kind of total relaxation that urges somnolence. I used to stay up like this frequently, especially back in my student days, and also in summer when I don't have a schedule. I love the still of the night. There is something so profound about the darkness, the absence of activity. I feel strange. I am trying to just focus on what is in front of me. I am not going to wish for anything, or mourn anything. I am going to be mindful. Recently I read a quote from a Buddhist Master. I can only paraphrase, but this is the gist: if one is mindful of everything one does then one will not have to apologize for anything. That is what I want. I tend to be mindful, but I am also easily distracted and thrown off course. I want to be more centered. I want to live in a state of ease.

balance

2008-05-24T15:58:00.003-04:00

I guess the balancing forces that I believe in fundamentally are at work. As things go well professionally there has to be some compensation on the personal end. I don't have much to say other than that relationships are extremely hard to being with, and when you factor in things like age, cultural conditioning, two strong personalities...the going is not easy. I am thankful that I feel quite stable these days, strong emotionally and physically. I am happy with my work. More than happy--inspired and energetic--and this gives me great focus. I am putting things into some kind of hierarchical order so that I can best decide where to apply my energy. The ultimate goal for me is to stay healthy. I am speaking more on a psychic level than a physical one. I have to remind myself of all the good things I have and have had, so that even if I lose some, the power of having had energizes me. So sadness, which I feel today, does not overwhelm me, and that is a relief.

2008-05-24T09:21:00.001-04:00

2008-05-22T07:58:00.000-04:00

ordinary

2008-05-11T16:10:00.002-04:00

random thoughts

2008-05-08T07:43:00.003-04:00

I was going through old photos in my iPhoto folders and found this, which I took about one year ago today on one of my then-frequent train rides up the Hudson. I love this photograph. It has nothing to do with my following observations, which, while random, have all been inspired by recent reading and observation.

• I think Frank Gehry is totally overrated. His buildings are just clever surfaces over decidedly unimaginative interior spaces. Plus they leak, they blind passersby with their metal roofs; and they are already looking totally mannered.

•I was filmed for a piece on my school yesterday. For about 80 minutes I answered questions about the school's past, my own past, my views on teaching, and so on. It came up during the interview that when I finished school (after getting my doctorate at UChicago) I was debt-free. Now that I look back on it, that is miraculous and I am very lucky. I guess I was a good student after all.

• I would love to see George Bush and John McCain holding hands and riding off into the sunset to disappear forever.

• I don't understand, on an ethical level, how any intelligent person could defend the policies of the Republican party since Ronald Reagan's reign.

• On the train going to my ear doctor yesterday I was listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan on my iPod and I thought I would pass out from the sheer beauty and terrible power of that music. He was a master of a kind sufi sacred music, qawwali. Check him out if you can.

beautiful

2008-05-06T22:04:00.001-04:00

patsy cline
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Patsy is a great beauty. She is awesomely graceful and capable of incredible athletic feats, but she is demure and shy. She has a lovely voice which she uses sparingly. She spends her time mysteriously, often disappearing for hours (but never leaving my apartment). I am not sure where she goes, but I have not looked either. It is clear that she has her secrets.

domesticity

2008-05-05T07:30:00.001-04:00

doorways
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This weekend was my weekend of domesticity. I've been so crazed with work the last few months that I took the open-endedness of the weekend (I had not made any plans in advance) as an excuse to do nothing. On Saturday I did some work and practiced. Yesterday I slept. I practiced, but I forbid myself from doing any other work, and I mostly obeyed myself. It was a beautiful sunny day; I might have gone to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens for Sakura Matsuri but, fearing enormous crowds, I opted out. Turns out I was right about the crowds. Apparently they were fierce.

at home

2008-04-30T08:53:00.001-04:00

at home
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Yesterday I took most of the day for myself, to rest and get over this nagging cold. After the whirlwind of last week, and last night's very successful performance, I truly enjoyed being at home. I enjoyed sitting on the sofa reading and admiring my new coffee table. It is a thing of beauty and definitely makes my old half-destroyed sofa look much better. You can see Mabel and if you look closely under the table you can see Hammy's back.

rusty

2008-04-28T13:07:00.001-04:00

trolley
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

That's how I am feeling today, a little rusty and creaky. I woke yesterday with a bad sore throat. I still have it today, and I am feeling a little creaky in my joints and quite tired. I think that the crazy schedule that I maintained last week, actually for the last ten days or so, has taken its toll. Tonight I have to play a set with some pretty awesome musicians, and so I am just trying to reserve my energy for that. But all I really want to do is sleep.

home

2008-04-21T13:08:00.002-04:00

messy bedroom (detail)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have been spending a lot of my time at home lately. During the week I have been so busy with work that when free time comes I have little desire to go out. And my steady upgrading of my apartment continues to make it an increasingly comfortable and peaceful place to be. I have just purchased a new coffee table from DWR. It's actually a bench, but makes a perfect coffee table and will look great in my place, since almost all my furniture is simple, modern, and made of wood. This is special because it is the first piece of furniture that I have ever paid full price for, having cobbled together some wonderful stuff from warehouse sales, the sidewalks of Brooklyn, hand-me-downs, and such. I have bought the Nelson Platform bench (made by Herman Miller). It is a truly beautiful piece, one that I have wished for for years, and I decided rather spontaneously that for once I will not even try to be frugal. It will arrive later this week, or early next.

a rolling stone gathers no...

2008-04-18T08:24:00.003-04:00

I am posting from my shiny new iMac. I bought it with part of the proceeds from my IRS refund. My old iMac was almost five years old!!! I of course was using my trusty MacBook more and more, but even that one is a few years old. This is a great computer. The large clear display is easy on my eyes.

The adage quoted in the post title certainly applies to me. I have been so incredibly busy lately that I hardly have time for much that is not scheduled. I don't mind a bit. Other than being tired, I feel like I am thriving. There have been some troubling issues in my personal life--worries and such--but they are balanced by my happiness with my work and the feeling that I am succeeding on a number of levels.

And when I do sit down to compose I do so with a sense of clarity and purpose that has long been hard to find.

still

2008-04-10T07:51:00.001-04:00

hanging
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I just heard one of my favorite sounds, one I don't hear very often. I live three blocks from New York Harbor. It is very foggy out right now. I just heard the low cry of a foghorn. I remember when I first moved to Brooklyn almost twenty years ago, and how, the first night I was in my apartment, even closer to the water than I am now, I heard them, and how exciting it was after four years in land-locked Chicago.

Who Am I?

2008-04-01T08:04:00.002-04:00

I travel the world to find great indigenous ensembles. I bring them into a recording studio and capture them doing their thing.
I steal this work wholesale (although hopefully I pay the musicians well, and maybe give them royalties).
I can't write a decent melody so I create a kind of numbing patter-song over top of the ethnic music in which I have wrapped myself.
I release this as an album and the Starbucks-music crowd laps it up, buying hundreds of thousands of my recordings, allowing me to live in sumptuous style while enjoying a reputation as a pop-culture superstar.
my initials are P.S.

mid-week

2008-03-26T11:24:00.002-04:00

I am settled into a nice pattern. I have made steady progress on my new piece, and am pleased with how it is going. It has a very open, even quality to it that is cropping up more and more in my work. The arrangements I just did for the CD by _________________ have met with utter happiness by the performers. Given the level of these performers (they are the very top rank) this is satisfying to say the least. I am getting used to a kind of solitude that I find very helpful for my ability to think and see and feel clearly. I realize that there are various patterns of thought that I allow myself that are not helpful to me, and there is no reason why I can't subtly shift these into a more productive direction.

As for solitude, I have been thinking a lot about those long stretches of my life where I was solitary, not in a relationship, not trying hard to meet expectations or to feel valued, and I was content then. I know that the turning point came when my mother died, and I became more anxious about solitude. It is time to recover and to be content again. Relationships make me very anxious, for reasons that I can identify clearly. I don't mean that all relationships do, but partner-type, the incessant need to be part of something larger than myself. But I am already a part of something much larger than myself on so many levels. I need to lighten up.

comfort

2008-03-23T09:34:00.003-04:00

I am finding comfort in the sadness that has suffused my days. It brings back a feeling with which I am all too familiar. There is something warm and safe about sadness for me. I suppose it all goes back to my early days, when sadness seemed the normal state of things. In all the major events of my life--my father leaving, my mother's illness, her subsequent death, my isolation and loneliness in Chicago, the deaths of my Tuna and Pomona, deaths of dear friends, and now the latest episode--I feel like this is one emotion which I understand fundamentally and so it does not scare nor overwhelm me. But it does make me wish to crawl into bed and sleep endlessly. It makes me fear interaction with others. What would I say, since my voice is now just weak croak, and I don't think that I could force a smile.

return...

2008-03-21T18:21:00.002-04:00

I have decided to post again. Sporadically, rather than frequently. I don't simply want to fill space. I want to occupy it with something of substance. Now that leaves me at a loss for words.

I have come to realize, in the last month or so, that to expect happiness is wrong, at least for me. I have had happiness, have basked in it, but it can't last. So I must look for it, or look AT it, differently. Change my expectations so that I won't question things so much.

But on many fronts I thrive. My work goes very well. Exciting projects are in the works. The stuff I have done recently has been met with tremendous enthusiasm, so much so that I am overwhelmed. And my little family is cuter and more wonderful than ever.

goodbye for now

2008-02-19T13:40:00.002-05:00

For a multitude of reasons large and small I have decided to end my blog here. It has been like my life: tumultuous, beautiful, scary, delirious, dull, intriguing...

So I say farewell.

happy birthday to me

2008-02-15T19:53:00.001-05:00

This has been a terribly difficult and sad day. That's all I will say for now.

But this was my horoscope:

You can do no wrong when it comes to self-improvement and updating your life, looks and situation. Get together with people who stimulate your mind and can add to your progress. A serious commitment can be made.

consumer

2008-02-14T11:24:00.004-05:00

Since I got my new position I have taken care of some long-overdue upgrades to my home. I've already mentioned some here (the bed, for example). But today I received a small yet amazing item: a burr grinder for my coffee. You see, I love good coffee. I dislike bad coffee, and thus I drink most of my coffee at home. Note: Starbucks has lousy coffee, as any coffee afficionado can attest. In fact there seem to be fewer and fewer places to get really good coffee around here, or else my taste is becoming more snotty.

A burr grinder grinds the coffee evenly with creating the heat that dissipates the oils that give the coffee its flavor. The inexpensive blade grinders commonly sold create enough heat to substantially diminish the flavor of the coffee. Burr grinders are much more expensive, but I got a good deal on a highly-rated Capresso grinder through Amazon.com. I just used it for the first time, with some beans I bought the other day at Porto Rico Coffee Importers, a fine source with a few small shops in Manhattan. The aroma of freshly ground coffee fills my apartment, and I am drinking a latte (I have a good pump espresso machine, a gift from Y a few years ago). There is no comparison between pre-ground and freshly-ground coffee. If you are a guest of mine, I will make you some.

And just to report further: although I am not sleeping any more than I used to, I am sleeping much more soundly on my new bed. So when I wake up I feel like I have slept. My back does not hurt. It is amazing.

I am happy these days in a way that I have not been in a long time. I feel like things have come together for me on many levels, and I have an energy and confidence that supports me solidly. I intend to enjoy it and prosper from it in my music and my teaching and my friendships.

progress

2008-02-11T08:28:00.001-05:00

Self-Portrait Walking
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

School is closed this week. I will attend to my choral piece. I aim to finish the first movement by the weekend. I am well on my way. It is also my birthday week: my birthday is on Friday. I don't have big plans. In fact, I have few plans at all. Every year school is closed on my birthday. This is good and bad. It's good because it is a special treat for birthday-time. It's bad because I don't get birthday wishes from colleagues. Out of sight, out of mind. But at my age I don't really care much about birthday celebrations.

I have been sleeping so much better on the new bed. The old bed was uneven and flimsy. This new bed is so solid that my mattress feels completely different. I sleep more soundly and my back does not hurt when I wake up. I should have done this years ago.

I went to Tekserve yesterday and had more RAM installed in this computer (my MacBook). Now it is quite speedy. I have 1.25G now rather then the original 512K. It makes quite a difference, especially when I am using sound editing applications.

green

2008-02-10T11:58:00.001-05:00

green leaves
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

The average New York City resident produces 7.1 metric tons of greenhouse gases a year. The average American produces 24.5 metric tons of greenhouse gases a year. According to the NEW YORK TIMES, suburban living is not sustainable. No kidding.

upgrade

2008-02-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

I continue to upgrade my apartment furnishings. This morning I drove to Secaucus once again to visit the DWR Annex. They were having a sale on bedroom furniture and my plan for this winter break (which began yesterday) is to get a new bed. And I did. I got a bed (the min bed, it's called, very simple metal minimalist-looking frame, low to the ground). I got the little Eames wire table to place books on next to the bed. And I got this organizer that I've admired for a while; it attaches by balancing so that it hangs from the glass top of this desk. And all I spent was 600+ dollars. Given that I was going to buy a $1000 bed as plan B, I did quite well. And I finished assembling the bed an hour or so ago. It is awesome, and my bedroom looks much much sleeker.

strange realization

2008-02-03T19:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wandered around West Chelsea going to galleries. I didn't see much that was inspiring but for two sculpture pieces, part of a group show at Luhring Augustine. One was by Mario Merz, and was a huge wall hanging with wire and lavender neon, very beautiful and ethereal. The other, by Pier Paolo Calzolari, also used neon along with leather, rusted steel, and a machine that froze sections of the steel so that they were incased in shimmering frost. It was tucked away in the back room, a bit hard to find, but well worth it.

Walking downtown Y. began to film me with his video camera. He trailed about twenty feet behind me. We did this all the way down to the West 4th St. station, pausing of course for various stops. I bought a belt. We stopped at the Maison Martin Margiela store, a particular favorite, although I never can afford the stuff in there. I did some grocery shopping at Chelsea Market. Later that evening, watching the videos after he downloaded them, I realized for the first time in my life just how compromised my eyesight is. The image captured what someone walking behind me would see. But I was shocked: because of my right eye, my field of vision is cut off. I asked Y, while watching, if the wide angle of the area in front of the camera was similar to what he saw. It was. This confirmed for me that I don't really see much to my right. To the left I have a normal scope, but things on the right are cut off. So instead of having a roughly 180-degree field of vision, mine is more like 110 degrees, and not symmetrical. I don't see the world the way most people do. Well, I already knew that, at least philosophically, but the video made it concrete. And it's no wonder that I walk into things and people as often as I do. And it makes me think that maybe I shouldn't drive at all.

coincidence?

2008-01-31T18:10:00.000-05:00

I used to get a daily horoscope via e-mail. Suddenly they stopped arriving; I had forgotten all about it (in fact I hadn't noticed at all) until just now, when this one arrived:

Give everything you do your all and you will be successful. Your ability to be aggressive and stick to your game plan will be too much for any competition. Get involved in something you believe in and you will make a lasting contribution.

Interesting timing.

2008-01-29T06:32:00.000-05:00

The "Real" New York

2008-01-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I had one of those experiences that excite people who don't live in New York. And actually, to tell the truth, they excite those of us who live here when they happen so unexpectedly. I had made a quick stop at a store in Tribeca where I have been buying clothes for some time now. They have a twisted-preppy slant that suits me. It is a small store, and the only customers at that time were me and Julianne Moore. Of course, we who live here practice the art of ignoring celebrities, and I did my part. But she is one of my favorite actresses and I did quietly enjoy being in her presence for the twenty minutes that I was there. She is shorter than I thought, which is usually the case. I always think actors and actresses must be tall. Who knows where I got that from.

tangles

2008-01-26T18:24:00.001-05:00

blue green
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am learning a lot these days. I am enjoying it. I get restless when my mind is not challenged. As a kid in school I used to finish my work far ahead of my classmates most of the time, and in the ensuing boredom would usually get myself into trouble. It was only in the third grade that I had a teacher that recognized that I was bored, not bad; she made sure to always have more work for me; she celebrated my creativity and I still remember that year of school because I was so happy. Miss Bonner. I wonder what happened to her. She was a great teacher.

self-portrait

2008-01-24T07:47:00.001-05:00