angel hammy

angel hammy
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Well, Hammy is getting quite big. He is gangly and adorable, but this picture shows just how tiny he was just a few weeks ago.

I have booked my hotel for Montréal. I will go in a month for four days. It is one of my absolute favorite cities, and I never tire of visiting. Mabel will come too, since Montréal is quite civilized and dogs are welcome all over. I will drive, since flying is such a nightmare these days and I try to avoid it whenever possible. It has been awhile since I have been away--staying in a hotel, dining out etc--and I am looking forward to it. Y has never been there before.

These days I am mostly practicing piano. After reading Charles Rosen's book I am trying to keep in mind his ideas about the physical aspects of playing. Physical working-out is something I do with real concentration. The fact that I have gone swimming at the crack of dawn the past few days attests to this. So if I view practicing as the slow mastery of a physical, athletic task, I accomplish a lot. And the "musical" part, that is easy.

my lips are sealed

Patsy's Nose
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Since I am allowing myself time this summer to contemplate my composing life freely without the obligations that normally prevent my kind of free-associative ramblings and counter-productive (negative?) excursions, I have spent a lot of time thinking about being a composer, about what--if any--relevance there is in doing this kind of work, and about "career issues" (which in my more cynical moments could be subtitled "fame or the lack thereof").

I was just reading the blog of a young twenty-something composer who is all the rage (such as the rage is) these days. Nico Muhly writes charming music, and by all accounts is a highly intelligent, charming, funny guy. I have now heard several of his pieces and heard interviews with him also. He has been endorsed by some big names, worked for Phillip Glass, and has seemed to have had a good career thus far. Funny that this morning I read his post on a composer of my vintage, Michael Torke. Much of what I write of Muhly could have been written about Torke twenty years ago. And where is Michael Torke now? Firmly established as a post-minimalist, getting commissions no doubt, and being attended to by no one I know.

So fame, interviews, articles, etc., can be wildly exciting when you are a composer in your twenties and it seems that people really do care about what you are doing and the world is PAYING ATTENTION! But then, as the years move along, suddenly you might find yourself thinking back nostalgically to those days of heady thoughts and wondering why it seems that no one cares anymore. But no one really did. It's just that it all seems new and glamorous, and seeing your name in the TIMES and getting interviewed for NPR is magical.

I myself was never a "sensation" that these two individuals are/were. But I had my success and got some acclaim in august circles. My reserved personality and lack of hustling skills prevented me from running with the little fame I did enjoy. And I did not move in the proper circles early enough, having not gone to Juilliard or Yale, the two schools that seem to spawn sensations more reliably than any others. Had I known more early on I might have made my choices with fame in mind, but I was blissfully naive.

Nico Muhly will write his charming music, he will get older; hopefully his music will continue to charm, but in the meantime attention, such as it is, will refocus itself on some other young thing, and he will hope that he has some nice teaching gig to pay the bills and put food in his mouth. Some young composers whom he is excited by now will hang it up, get married, have kids, quit music altogether.

Do I sound cynical? Of course. But I am not bitter. And remember that cynicism is the child of idealism, and my idealism runs too strong for me to possibly outrun it.

cute

Brother and Sister
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Cuteness. I am very happy that Patsy has a Hammy around. She always loved to sleep and cuddle with Tuna. Hammy loves Patsy. They are so cute together that it is almost too much.

glamour!

glamour!
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Hammy, who is slightly cross-eyed, really hit it big for this photo. Stunning, no?

Yesterday the Boredoms, an avant-garde Japanese band of long-standing, gave a performance in Fulton Ferry Park along with 77 drummers. It was quite an event, sort of like a massive hipster street party, and I had a great time. Afterward a bunch of us climbed to the roof of a friend's building on Jay Street in Dumbo and hung out. The streets were teeming with people, there was nary a Range Rover in sight, and it felt, at least for an evening, like the New York I love.

This morning I went to look at a few coops in Ft. Greene that sounded attractive, mostly because one, a "loft-like studio," came with a private outdoor space. But what a joke. The "outdoor space" was a narrow sliver that one could hardly stand sideways in; there was not even a door leading from the apartment to it, but the broker cheerfully told me that the building had already granted permission to have a door cut through the wall. Wow! I wish brokers would just be honest and not mislead people. I would never have hauled my ass over there at 10 on a sweltering Sunday morning for that. But I should know better. At least every apartment I see makes me realize, more and more, how great my own place is.

idle

legs
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have vowed to take a complete hiatus from "work" for the rest of the month. I have a compulsion to work, and even though I have lived my entire life on an academic calendar (summers off) I have always been busy composing and reading, studying; the summer "off" was never a vacation but rather time to pursue various achievements. So this summer I have no plan other than to relax and to contemplate things, especially my composing work, and figure out where I am going, what my intentions are for my creative work. I am in a crisis, in a way, but it is too complex to begin to dissect it now. I will just exist in a kind of convalescent mode, and not take anything too seriously.

dog race

mabel sunbathes
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

While walking Mabel yesterday, the streets were getting crowded with people arriving to watch the fireworks at the Brooklyn Heights Promenade. A woman approached me, smiling. "Excuse me," she said in a charming French accent. "What is the race of your dog?" I did not blink, and replied "Pomeranian."

houses, Hudson

houses, Hudson
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

wetlands

wetlands
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

pink flower

pink flower
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

big wheel

big wheel
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

back in nyc

bored
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Sleepy, that's how I feel. I had to wake up early to let the plumber in. I got back yesterday. It was difficult to tear myself away from the country, and the only saving grace is that the city is fairly empty due to the holiday. The natives have left, for the most part. Last night Y and I went to the east village to eat ramen at Setagaya, which has the best, based on the fact that I was perhaps the only non-Japanese person eating there.

turnaround

night swimming (2)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Back in Brooklyn, briefly. I drove down last evening, making a stop in Poughkeepsie to have dinner with friends, and arrived a little past ten o'clock last evening. It is wonderful to see the cats. Hammy has grown in my week's absence. Soon I will head back up for two more days. I have grown used to the country, but at least Brooklyn is quiet on the weekends in summer, at least it is around here, and so it is not too much of a shock to me.

I will not be posting again from upstate. I am leaving the computer at home. I can certainly handle three days of no email. I need thinking time. Big time. I have a lot to think about.

greetings

horse latitudes
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

When you come toward the barn the horses (or horse and three ponies) come over to say hi. One of the ponies is a bit curmudgeonly and stays behind generally, although this evening she came out to play.

night swimming

night swimming
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is a brief update from upstate NY. I am sitting in a café in Hudson, taking advantage of their WIFI and having a latté. I feel quite relaxed. It is beautiful up here, as always, and today it is pleasant outside; the last three days were quite hot, and I spent a lot of time hopping in and out of the pool. Y and N were up; the former since Saturday and the latter since Monday. I drove them both to the train in Poughkeepsie yesterday and enjoyed some solitude since then. I have not done any work. I am reading Charles Rosen's book PIANO NOTES, parts of which I had read before. He was my professor in grad school and his book THE CLASSICAL STYLE was earth-shattering to me when I read it as an undergrad, because it was the first time I read someone who could explain so brilliantly that musical language really does have meaning that can be described.

I watched "The Squid and the Whale" last night on dvd. It brought back so many memories of my own parents' divorce, even though the story was very different from my own. One thing it made me realize, with shocking clarity, is that my father never made any effort to have custody of us, and in fact we never even slept over his place. The only time I stayed with him was when I was house-sitting when he traveled, or for a period during my last year of high school when my mother had kicked me out of her house.

pets

hammy sleeping
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

When I was growing up my father had a way of dismissing any concerns with the general platitude that everything was "fine." Thus, if I had a searingly painful ear infection, I did not complain; I would be told that I was "fine" and to stop complaining. Thus I did; one day, with a scarily high fever and an abcessed ear that was about to burst, I heard the doctor admonish my mother. He wondered why my ear had gotten so bad. But it was MY fault, because I did not complain.

To compensate, I tend to jump to the worst conclusions with little provocation. This manifests itself mostly when I discover some malady with one of my little brood. Patsy had some skin irritations which I immediately assumed were mast cell tumors thanks to my cursory and bad education (via internet) on feline skin disorders. And Mabel's itching ear must clearly signal an ear infection. So one at a time--Patsy first, Mabel next--I marched them off to the vets' this morning. All is well. I feel a bit silly having panicked so last night. And I wonder: if I had a child, would I be able to keep my panic invisible in the face of some illness? I would like to think that I would. I would like to think that I would be the best of both worlds: worry enough to never neglect things, but not panic enough to scare my kid.

busy

hammy's action shot
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Today I was busy preparing to leave for a little sojourn upstate. Haircut, errands, etc. I am trying to be organized because my spaciness in recent days serves as fair warning: make lists, or I will be sure to forget something crucial. But I am not planning on having too many requirements. All I need is some reading material, a few necessities, my camera and laptop and little midi-controller keyboard (for any musical inspiration that might come my way). Oh, and Mabel of course. I will miss Patsy and Hammy; they will be in good hands, but Hammy is growing every day and I wish I did not have to leave him behind.

patsy and hammy

patsy and hammy
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Bloomberg for president. Hmmm. I'm not sure. His bland facility is admirable in some situations. However, I have not given this nearly enough thought to make any more intelligent or even worthwhile comments. There are no candidates whom I find very compelling anyway.

Since I have so much more time these days I am hanging with my little family. Patsy and Hammy are happy to have me around like this, and there is a lot of playing going on.

pet peeve number 87

When an artist refers to his/her work as "the work" I want to scream. As in, "in the late 90's the work was dark and tormented." And just now, listening to John Shaefer interview the baritone Sherrill Milnes on WNYC, Milnes referred to "the career." But it was his own career that he was talking about.

huh

Mabel!
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is Mabel, a week after her haircut. She is looking particularly serious in this picture, which I took on Friday.

Yesterday was bizarre. I decided to go to the beach. So with Y in tow I set on my way. But it was a trip marred by mishap. First, I forgot my wallet, so while driving I was extra careful, since had I been pulled over I would have no ID or license or anything to show for myself. Then, upon arriving, I realized I had no swimming suit. Yes. The water was quite cold, though, so I probably would not have gone in anyway.
Then the magazine I had brought with me turned out to be a copy of the NEW YORKER which I had read cover-to-cover. So no reading.

Finally, after a long nap, we headed back. My eyes were quite dry and irritated. I was wearing my contact lenses, as I usually do at the beach. So while driving I pulled out my eye drops and artfully dripped a few into my left eye. Instant searing agony! They were not the right drops. In fact, they were ear drops! How I managed not to crash the car is still a mystery. The LIE was crowded, the traffic fierce, and I was semi-blind, screeching as tears poured down my face.

silly boy

silly boy
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Ok. Admit it. This is one of the cutest pictures of all time.

laisse-moi

green leaves
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have done little the last few days. A bit of composing, swimming. A few naps. Reading. Watching Hammy play. I have time to think. And time to read the entire newspaper. Amazing.

La fin est ma commencement...

61207B
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

The end is my beginning. Or something like that. For when my teaching year is over, I have unlimited time for navel-grazing. Or for work. Or play. Or whatever I choose. It is one of the best things about being involved in education. I don't think I could teach year-round. I would never last. The only thing that I can do year-round is think in my own idiosyncratic way. Even then I get myself into trouble. Right now it is raining ferociously, some thunder and lightning too. Just the right touch to begin...

lurid

pink sky with tree
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Lurid is the pain in my head. Lurid is my queasy stomach. Last night we had an end-of-year party for my department. I almost never drink. I had some sangria. Then, for god knows what reason, a martini. Then I had a little toke. Well, that was the end. I almost passed out. I was not sick (as in puking) but just knew I had to get home immediately. Luckily I made it home in one piece, but today I am utterly useless. I am not getting younger and I don't bounce back so quickly. And it really is unseemly for someone of my age and station in life to stagger home the way I did. Luckily I was not exposed to public view. I took a car service door to door, thanks to my neighbor who was also at the party. My sincere apologies to my hosts. I hope I didn't make a fool of myself. I tried to maintain my dignity even when I could hardly stand up.

more

serra 3
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

In keeping with my theme for the weekend, on Saturday evening I went to BAMCafé to hear Sussan Deyhim, the Iranian-born singer/composer/sound artist. She was performing with two other musicians, one who played a cymbalom-type thing and another drummer (awesome). She played a variety of electronic processing devices and sequencers and such. It was great. Amazing music. She has an enormous vocal range. And such technique. She did this song using throat-singing technique. I loved every minute of her music. And there was this charming, laid-back vibe to the whole thing, people wandering in and out, not all the posturing one might expect. It just shows that Brooklyn is really the place to be.

But all weekend I just could not believe how many tourists there were everywhere. And in Brooklyn. So maybe Brooklyn is over too. What's next? Staten Island...eek.

haze

serra 4
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Yesterday in the haze of mid-evening I took the subway to meet Y at MOMA. There we met N and her friend H, an Italian living in Australia. The Richard Serra show had opened a few days ago. I love Richard Serra's sculptures and have seen them many times in various places. The bland corporate sterility of MOMA takes away some of their striking power, though. I felt dizzy walking through them. This may have been due in part to how crowded it was, but also to the fact that I slept very poorly on Thursday, felt exhausted all day, and yet could not fall asleep when I tried to take a nap in the mid-afternoon.

On the train to MOMA I ran into a former colleague. He teaches at another private school in Brooklyn. He told me that the jazz director at his school spoke very highly of me after meeting me a few years back at a competition in Boston. For some reason I found it surprising. Then, thinking about it, I realized that this is a big problem for me. I should not be surprised to hear such things. I should be secure in my professional accomplishments. If I have a good rep it is because I have earned it. So why do I still feel like somehow it is not really true? That I am some kind of imposter?

veiled

silk
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Today is my first day with no welbutrin, after six days of gradually reduced doses. I feel like my mind is swaddled in padding, veiled from clarity. This is strange, but not unpleasant. I am having some odd physical symptoms: insomnia, muscle pain, headache. I did swim yesterday, which felt good, and I will probably swim again today. That should help.

Right now on WNYC Brian Lehrer is considering the mayor's congestion-pricing plan. While I am adamantly for any environmentally-friendly policies, this one seems misguided. It will simply be a tax on the less-affluent, further dividing New York into a city of haves and have-nots. This is already too far along, this split. I was a party last evening for a colleague, and was discussing this with a guy whom I've known for years, worked with, etc. We were both lamenting the suburbanization of New York, and hoping that the crime rate would creep up just enough to scare off the people who really should be living in Westchester or New Jersey. I know I have harped on this topic before, but I am somewhat obsessed.

• strange visuals (flashes, mostly)
• no appetite at all
• can't sleep
• vaguely disoriented
• forgetful, more so than usual
• body aches
• feel feverish
• mild sore throat
• burning eyes
  

taper

self portrait with dark glasses
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Yesterday I began my "tapering off" of my antidepressant. I am going to see what happens. I feel strange, sort of spacey and absent, my head a little detached from my body (if that makes any sense). I am also very sleepy. I feel like I could sleep for a month.

home alone

self portrait with jug
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am home today. I am not really alone, as I have my little family here. Patsy has a bit of an upset digestive tract. I hope she has not caught something from Hammy. I think it might be that she ate some of his kitten food, and it is quite rich for adult cats. She is acting fine, her usual elegant playful self. I am just finishing up school work for the year, end of year stuff. It is suddenly cool and windy out, and i can finally turn off the loathsome air-conditioning. As much as I need it, it bothers me. It also makes my ear hurt. You know how that guy has drug-resistant TB? I think I have a drug-resistant permanent ear infection.

* * * * * * *

Yesterday I went to Barney's. Their summer sale is on and I need a hat to protect my fair self from the sun. Also whatever else might appeal. But I left empty-handed. The hat I wanted was still $400 and nothing else seemed that interesting, or if it was it was too expensive. So for the nth time I have gone to Barney's and bought nothing. I think it signals the end of an era for me.

delight

side
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Hammy is truly one of the delights of my life right now. He is just so cute, and watching how beautifully he gets along with Patsy and Mabel makes me smile and provides tremendous stress relief. Now, as the school year wraps up, I am finding a deep sense of satisfaction in the accomplishments of the past nine months. Granted it was a frantically busy year, but busy for good purposes. What better way to wrap it up than to bring a sweet new kitty into the family. I feel very lucky today.

den of...

Originally uploaded by madabandon.

My place is a den of cuteness these days. Patsy and Ham are adorable together. Patsy has always been quite social, and now she has someone to play with. This means she no longer tortures me by knocking things off of shelves to get my attention.

I've been ridiculously busy although I had foolishly thought that things would really slow down this week. On Tuesday I hosted a venerable pianist/songwriter/arranger/producer from New Orleans. This man is really a living legend in American music. He played and talked to a huge crowd of students, who were wild in their applause. It was really cool but since it all came together very last-minute I had a tremendous amount of running around, phone-calling, getting calls, etc. And today another legendary musician will come to one of my jazz classes. It is musical celebrity week for me, I guess.

cats

sister and brother
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

It is nice to see how Patsy and Hammy get along. I am so happy that Patsy has a friend to play with. Now when I go away with Mabel I won't have to worry about her being all alone. And believe me, I worry about stuff like that. I get sad thinking of her by herself, waiting for me to come home. Because she doesn't eat when I leave her; if going for one day, I will fill her bowl with food, and it is full when I return. Once I have greeted her, she runs off to eat.

in the bowl

in the bowl
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is one of Hammy's favorite places to hang out. Mabel doesn't mind that he sleeps in her food dish. She doesn't like the expensive Wellness dry dog food I bought her anyway. Last night, making lychee tea, one dropped to the floor and Mabel at it, peel and all, and it made her a little sick in the digestive tract. She seems fine now. Soon she will join me and Y on a jaunt to Pennyslvania to visit my sister and her brood.

Patsy and Ham

Patsy and Ham
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

They are getting along wonderfully. Patsy acts motherly toward Hammy. She cleans him and herds him around. She is also teaching him how to play nice. She gets a little pissy because Hammy gets so much attention. But Patsy, always a lady, never loses her dignity. Hammy, on the other hand, is not at all dignified. He is silly and curious. He wanders freely around the apartment now. He is fully litter-trained and has yet to have an accident. And he loves to eat. And eat and eat and eat.

personal space

hammy 3
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Today after swimming I was getting dressed. My locker was in the far left corner of the three-sided bank of lockers. I sat at my stool. I still had to put on my shirt and my shoes. A tall very sweaty 50-ish man came into the bank of lockers. He had thinning wettish hair pulled back into a tiny ponytail, above which loomed the bald pate of his head. He reeked of sweat. There was a stool next to me with an old towel on it. "Is this yours" he grunted at me. I shook my head. He glared at me and took the towel and dropped it on the ground. Then he sat on the stool about four inches from my left side, stifling me with his b.o. He was the perfect example of a certain type of 50-ish man, straight, with compromised hygiene and no sense of other people's space. I very quickly threw my shirt on and my shoes and got out of there fast.

three portraits

good news

Hammy is getting bigger and stronger by the hour. He is super cute. A parking sign, perched high on a heavy steel pole, got knocked over by the wind last night, narrowly missing my car but seriously messing up the truck parked behind me. Good luck for me, though I feel bad for the owner of the truck. I got one of those free credit reports. I have a perfect credit score. I am a good risk.

resting

Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Ham

hammy 2
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is Ham. He is about eight weeks old. He came from Pennsylvania, from a farm near York. He is very cute and sweet, and he looks very much like Patsy did when she was a kitten. I saw Gino too, at the vet's, and gave him a treat and a scratch. So far Hammy is getting along very well with everyone. He loves to eat and talk, and he has a very loud voice for someone so tiny.

blue green

blue green
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is the color of tranquility.

Finally I am done with a very very busy semester in which I had to juggle too many projects. Well, yesterday wrapped it up and now I can relax, write my student evaluations with no distractions, and plan for a nice summer. I feel relieved and tired but good, because I accomplished a lot this year. It was one of my most productive years in recent memory, at least since the mid-90s. Wow.

understanding

And in those times, the ones I mentioned in my last post, I was still unaware of the world as a place where something like this travesty could be allowed to happen. In this country rich people grow richer on the backs of others and avoid paying taxes so that the have-nots more often than not descend into lives of hardship and grief.

song

I am fixated on this song called "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. I downloaded it from iTunes and I must have listened to it one hundred times or more yesterday and I am listening to it now. It is an almost perfectly conceived and executed anthem. And it brings out some powerful nostalgic yearning in me, memories of high school, hanging out at the lake with my friends, sun shining, no worries, life being simpler, my world so much smaller but so much more understandable.

cracked

cracked
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Maybe I've cracked and the last post was ample evidence.

But I don't think so.

This morning while I was walking to school I heard someone come running up behind me. It was the mother of a student, an artist herself, a fine one; and she had come over just to thank me, not for anything specific, but for what I was giving to her kids. She is, like many of the parents, a very smart and accomplished person, and I was grateful for her words. For some reason, as I continued on my way, my eyes were filled with tears.

So maybe I have cracked.

hallmark card

Lace and chicken feathers,
taken as one,
together forever.

simplicity

orchids
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have a beautiful orchid that was given to me by the cast of the play last week. This is not it; I have not yet photographed it. This is another beautiful orchid that was a birthday gift a few years back.

I take photographs so that I can remember things. Beautiful things, sad things, funny things. When I look at Gino's picture, I feel sad. I don't know if animals' memories are like that. I hope Gino does not remember the bad things that happened to him. I hope he remembers his time here, because he seemed so happy (when Mabel was in the other room); he purred so much when I petted and brushed him, and when I fed him too. I am still so sad that I had to bring him back. I can't bear the thought of him penned up in a cage at the vet's. Please please please let someone who appreciates his scarred beauty and dignity adopt him and give him a home where he can play, sleep, eat, and be safe.

empty seat

empty seats
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am very sad to say that Gino has gone back to the vet. After a long discussion she determined that he probably had bad experiences with dogs, and given his age, was unlikely to change. It was a very difficult decision. I fall for animals quickly, and Gino had endeared himself to me with his roguish charm. But his aggression toward Mabel was alarming, and Mabel herself had begun to look nervous. I took him back after giving him some salmon, a brushing, and a thorough ear-scratching which had him purring and rolling around. Still, I almost cried as I left him. I just hope that someone really nice will adopt him. He would be fine as an only cat, or in a household with other cats. He was not at all aggressive toward Patsy, although she and he had not yet had a tête-a-téte. If you read this, and you know of someone who is looking for a cat and doesn't mind an adult who is a little street-wise, please contact me.

what to do?

Well, after three days, I am in a dilemma about Gino. He is no fan of Mabel, and he has attacked her multiple times. It is not in defense, because she keeps a polite distance. But I have gotten caught between the two of them and have the scratches to show it. Mabel seems nervous, and it is breaking my heart. Gino is older than I thought he was, based on the appearance of his teeth. I am not sure if he will come around. The vet gave me a large cage to keep him in, hoping that by being around Mabel but not able to get to her, he would become used to her. No sooner had I set the thing up when he just jumped right out of it. I don't want to traumatize Mabel. After all, she was here first. So Gino is back in the bathroom. Stay tuned. The vet told me I can bring him back; I think he might need to be an only cat, or at least in a household without a dog.

Of course I am tortured about this, because he is a real sweetie and full of purring and affection with me.

what goes up...

sleepyhead patsy
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Well, what goes up must come down. Last week I wrote about my heightened energy and productivity. Well, as it always does, my hypomania has given way to exhaustion. I feel ill; my whole body hurts, my throat, my eyes. My legs ache like I ran a marathon. Friday evening was the last show of the play. I needed a weekend of doing nothing, but yesterday I had to go to Pennsylvania to celebrate my father's and stepmother's birthdays. Dinner was late, the food was too heavy, and driving back there was a horrendous storm, with thick fog and driving rain, which completely took it out of me. Today, near comatose, I watched two movies from Netflix: "Shortbus" and "Casino Royale." I liked the former a lot and found the latter entertaining but not nearly as artful and clever as the old James Bond films.

Gino is sleeping on the bed. He is still wary of Mabel, and Patsy is still wary of Gino, but I predict a peaceable kingdom will come soon. He is very sweet. My big project is to get him to use the litterbox; he has had a few accidents. He pees in it, but he seems confused about everything else that one is to do in a litterbox. I keep my fingers crossed. He is noticeably more relaxed. I have been cleaning him, brushing him, and he's looking good. His leg still has a long way to go, but I think that here, in a much less stressful environment than he was in, he will heal nicely. He acts a lot like my Tuna. I find it inspiring, how a cat can go through such trauma and still be trusting of people. I will keep my readers posted on his progress.

Gino

gino
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is Gino. I took him home yesterday. My vet had called. She knew I was planning on getting another cat this spring. Gino was found with a rope tied around his leg. He was badly injured, but he has recovered quite well. He still has some bad abrasions on his leg from the rope, but they are healing beautifully. He is scared of Mabel and there has been some flying fur, but when I am not home Gino stays in the bathroom where he has been cozily set up with food and all his necessities. He is very sweet and gentle, and he loves to sit next to me. Patsy seems quite curious, not scared, and I predict they will all be good friends in time.

We think Gino is about a year-and-a-half, but it is hard to tell. He is a big boy, and he wears the scars of a difficult childhood. I am glad I found him. I don't think he would be easy to place. He is not a cute kitten, and his scars won't win him any beauty prizes. Right now he is sleeping at my feet. When awake he is quite talkative.

Mabel post-bath

bathtime mabel
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

number twenty

Compose a fanfare for two trumpets to be performed at the dedication of our school's main building. It is being dedicated to the founding headmaster, a man of genius and complexity quite rare in the world.

hypomanic

1. wake up at 5 am and do laundry
2. mop and polish the floors throughout the apartment
3. work on three compositions at once
4. talk too fast
   
5. sleep, barely, fitfully, maximum four hours a night
6. don't eat normal meals
7. don't eat much at all
8. make lists of projects
9. obsess over random series of numbers
10. disassemble three sets of rapidograph pens
11. clean pens in ultrasonic cleaner
12. work on meticulous, highly-detailed pen and ink drawings in my "book" (I draw, write, scribble, etc., in notebooks. I have dozens of them).
    
13. hand-wash two sweaters and a jacket
14. re-organize bedroom closet
15. put winter clothes away
16. take out more summer clothes
    
17. pay bills
18. make phone calls to set up appointments for next week
19. converse numerous times with my collaborator on the play

new

Since I received payment for a big commission along with refunds from the IRS and New York State, I have become completely debt-free for the first time in years. Yes, I still have a mortgage to pay, and a car payment, but I have no credit card debt. I inherited a pile of it years ago and only now have paid it off (long story). Yet I still have an excellent credit score because I am one of those people who pays all bills on time and, fortunately, I have never had so many bills that they exceeded my income, as mediocre as my income is. But still the debts were a weight on my shoulders that won't be missed.

In this new state of un-indebtedness I have purchased some badly-needed items:

1. Bosch HEPA vacuum cleaner (awesome, powerful, extremely quiet)
2. Toshiba DVD player (my old one was working poorly; new one has amazing picture quality
3. Three pairs of Adidas Stan Smiths: two black/green and one bright blue/white (extravagant; one would do just fine but when I find something I really really like, especially shoes, I buy two)
   
4. One medium-size Freitag tote/shoulder bag for work (not a necessity, but an indulgence)

ruins

ruins (7)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I don't know what or whom to hold responsible. Since Saturday I have felt ill. My stomach hurts ferociously whenever I eat, and I am very tired, no matter how much I sleep. Although I don't sleep enough to be sleeping too much, if that makes sense. It might be as much stress as anything else. A situation that I have alluded to previously has taken its toll on me. I am seriously in need of down time. What happens is that although I have many vacations from teaching, this year I have had to work through each of them, on OEDIPUS or on other composing projects. So no vacation is really a vacation. And thus I am falling apart. I am exercising though. It helps my sanity.

Another former student died, last week, after a bad accident. I know it is hardly news to anyone that such things seem so random, out of our control. But that seems like hollow comfort, somehow. Maybe comfort is a ridiculous concept, something we would like to have but something that is really not possible. Just acceptance.

stasis

geometry
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This weekend I tried mainly to rest and relax. The week, especially toward the end, was stressful. This is due to a situation at school which is particularly challenging my patience, generosity and compassion. Enough said. Yesterday Y and I took the water taxi around Manhattan. It was a little cold. We got off at Christopher Street and walked up to the Chelsea Market to buy food for dinner.

Today I went to Park Slope, walking with Y up 5th Avenue to find some food. Then we walked back to Ft. Greene and I hopped on a bus to go home. I have been doing little, but I did give Mabel a bath. I took pictures of her which are hilarious. I will post them soon.

birthday cake

cake
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Happy Birthday, Bao!

multi-hued blue

blue 2
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

My mood has been unstable the last week. It makes for an interesting ride. Overall the color is more blue, but there are flashes and episodes of more vibrant, aggressive colors mixed in, as in my painting here.

weight

my left foot
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have lost a lot of weight. I was aware that my eating was sporadic over the past few weeks, given my ridiculous schedule and my bad habit of neglecting meals--I simply don't get hungry for long stretches of time, and when I am not hungry I find it nearly impossible to eat--but the truth was confirmed when I weighed myself at the gym. I was surprised by the number and realize that I had better pay more attention to my food intake. Increase it, that is.

The problem is that when I lose weight like this my face gets very thin and bird-like, which is not attractive.