there is comfort in the dark

nocturne [detail] (oil and acrylic on canvas 30" x 30" 2003)

longing

sea [detail] (oil on wood 12 x 12) 2004

(casper)

I am very very tired now.

web

Yesterday I was explaining to Y how I know that it is difficult for him, for anyone, dealing with my depression and mood swings. It taxes his patience, and makes him angry. And it stresses me out, both dealing with my own moods and worrying about him. I expend a tremendous energy to manage myself.

I said that I have always felt things scarily deeply; that I seem to absorb another's fear, pain, sorrow...almost like in the movie THE EXORCIST, when the priest absorbed the demon, saving the girl but destroying himself in the process. And so when I know one of my friends or loved ones is scared, or hurt, I myself feel it too, to the point where it can overwhelm me. I am caught in a web. And yet, while I know that my life would be easier if I did not have this capacity, I don't think I would trade it for a more "normal" mind. But I probably would trade. Things would be easier. Hmmmm. What if it were possible?

iPod, Man and Woman

Thierry and Bao were laughing at my silver iPod mini. They said it was the "lady's iPod." I did not believe them. But lately, I have been taking an informal visual survey conducted mostly on the subway. I have seen many iPod minis. Their owners are all female, but for one. A large man had a silver mini just like mine.

impasse

I have reached an impasse.

princess

princess
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Chega de Saudade (No More Tears)

I have cried more in these past two weeks than I can remember ever crying before. I try to stop, but just now, listening to the song Nghiem sent me (Por Toda Minha Vida [For All My Life]) I burst into tears again. I am pathetic sometimes. Truly.

Interestingly, I normally don't produce enough tears and have to use "artificial tears" every day to keep my eyes from drying out. But when I cry, I have no problem producing a torrent of them.

I have also not been eating. Last night was the first meal I had in a few days. I have lost so much weight that my clothes are all much too big. My pants fall down. Some people have asked me if I am sick. Yes, I am.

fog and clouds

This morning when I woke up I felt engulfed in a cloud of gloom. The brilliance of yesterday's sun provided me with a temporary respite, and although I felt agitated in the afternoon, particularly after an intense swim, I had a nice evening with B. But today I am trying hard to keep my shit together, because I feel that at the slightest nudge I could topple. The other day I wrote of feeling like I was about to turn a corner into some unknown place. But I was wrong. I did turn a corner, but the place I found myself I know all too well, and I wish I could go back to where I was before.

Salut, Thierry

Tuna in the morning

Tuna can be grouchy in the morning, while he is waiting for his "Fancy Feast"®.

pizza

Last evening I took Bao to Grimaldi's for pizza for his birthday dinner. I was quite late for the actual day, which was almost two weeks ago. But Thierry and I had told Bao about it last weekend, and he wanted to go, and I always want to go to Grimaldi's, since it has the best pizza in New York as far as I am concerned (and I am far from alone in my opinion). It was a beautiful night, a bit cold, following what may have been the most beautiful day of the year so far. I felt wired, since I had swum three thousand yards in the afternoon. It was crowded at Patsy's when we arrived, but it cleared out, as it was late. We ate like pigs. It was only one pizza, but it seemed to grow larger the more we ate of it. I smoked a few cigarettes, as I often do when with someone who smokes, and now I am coughing.

sunny

Today, in midday, I took Mabel to the Promenade. I was taking pics with my new camera. I am slowly learning how to negotiate its complexities. It takes great pictures. As I learn how to use it, I anticipate further improvements. Mabel enjoyed the outing, although she does not like to be in the sun for long. I don't blame her. She has so much fur.

the sky so pale

willow street, brooklyn heights

cherry

ooh

noon

I just looked at my watch. It read exactly 12 o'clock. Back in high school, while we sat outside smoking during lunch period, Sue and Ron and I would always try not to look to see what time it was until exactly 12:12. I still try to do that. Today, I was early.

luck

I am lucky. I never have to sleep alone. Every morning when I wake up, there is someone beside me in bed. Tuna, most often, but sometimes Pomona. Or, when I am especially lucky, both of them. Mabel rarely jumps up on the bed, although when she was younger she usually did too.

Sleepy in the Afternoon

Mabel gets sleepy in the afternoon. So do I sometimes. But I never sleep during the day.