layers

sakura matsuri

hero

One of my musical heroes, who I've revered since I was a kid, has released a new album that you can listen to online. I hope someone blasts this 24 hours a day in front of the White House, so loud that the windows rattle and George and Laura can't sleep for days.

concrete and barbed wire

This is a picture of the back of a grand brownstone in my neighborhood, one that I walk past almost every day. The barbed wire keeps the rabble from stealing into the garden.

As much as I love this neighborhood for its beauty and quiet, I am growing less and less happy living here these days. Most people think I am crazy when I talk of leaving. But I don't like what is happening here. It has become a province of the entitled rich. The days of an artist/teacher buying--or renting--a place here are over, unless said person is independently wealthy or, as is more and more common, supported by parents. I am of the generation/socio-economic class which believed, more or less, that once you were eighteen you were on your own.

The problem is not the wealth of the people necessarily, but the attitude that goes along with it. And not only do I face it every day on the street--as the Range Rovers and those absurd Mercedes armored-car type things rush by, or the hordes of nannies pushing absurdly bloated strollers with fat tires (the SUVs of the kiddy world?) that run me off the sidewalk--but at my school, where the majority of the student body comes from that same world of privilege. It wears me down.

Couple this with the constant and increasingly unbearable pain in my back (which, despite the chiropractor and the exercises and yoga, persists) and my mood has generally been dark. Last night I went to bed at 8:30 and slept until 6:30 this morning. Not a good sign.

views

From my office window:

busy

Today is my busiest teaching day. In addition, I have to move the car, which means I have to sit in it for one hour or else I will get a $65 parking ticket. I also had an appointment with the chiropractor, and oh how painful it was, but how much better I feel now!



Interspersed were trips home to walk Mabel (I only live a few blocks from the school) and various errands, xeroxing (new music for my students), and preparation for tomorrow, when a colleague from another school is going to come and watch my jazz classes.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

I have been reflecting for the last few days, at least, about gay men and sex and self-destructive behavior. So many guys are having unprotected sex; I hear about it from all sorts of publications, from guys I know, and from the surprising and upsetting increase in the number of gay men getting HIV. Now we have probably all had our lapses and our times of irresponsibility, but there are guys who knowingly and repeatedly put themselves at risk and even hope that they will get HIV. People say things like "I want to have fun while I can" or "I'm bound to get it sooner or later so who cares?" This upsets me a lot. I won't get all high-handed because I have been stupid and careless myself. But something has gone way wrong in the world--not just this, but so many other things too--and it bewilders me.

reflection

Going back to teach today I realized how lame my break was; I spent all of last week dealing with my back problem. I wish I could report that it is all better but it is not; it is about 50% improved, and hopefully swimming today will stretch it out; yesterday I swam for a short period and it felt much better afterwards, but the relief was temporary. This is a real warning to me to start doing yoga more seriously, because as the chiropractor said, my flat feet will continue to wreak havoc on my knees and back unless I seriously implement steps to fix things.

Oh well. Another vacation that was not really a vacation. But I could not have afforded to go anywhere anyway, and I had a lot of thinking to do.

his house

From Joe.My.God:

Dear Joe,

I found your blog today after googling for items about Exodus, the ex-gay organization you wrote about yesterday. I am a mom in Texas and I keep an eye on whatever Exodus is doing, because you see Joe, I found some of their materials among my son's personal items after he took his life in 2002. Joe, he was only 19 years old and he was just the sweetest boy you'd ever want to know. My son had problems, yes, but his father and I (we are divorced) both feel that the Exodus people took advantage of his confusion about who he was. Even though he knew that we loved him, they helped him hate himself. Please don't stop writing about Exodus and the terrible, terrible harm they do to young people. I miss my boy so much.

Just a mother, Texas

Ok, I read this and almost stopped breathing.

I remember when I was about sixteen and a few of my friends from the swim team started going to this meeting at a church called "His House" and I didn't really know what went on there except that it was a church. They kept pestering me to go so one night my friend Sue and I got really stoned and then went and ate cookies while people talked about how being saved had changed their lives. It was all kids around my age, a lot of whom I knew from school.

regret

the present tangle

So this is representative of my life's condition. There is a lot of work to be done. I am good at these sort of cleaning-up projects, though.

pathways

I have decided, after extensive contemplation, to make some major changes in my life. I want to improve my health and while I am in good shape because of swimming I want to work on my flexibility, eat more regularly, and improve my energy level. I am re-focusing my attention on my work, become the independent person that I used to be, not be dependent on relationships to maintain my balance. I need to find balance on my own. This has entailed some tough decisions, and I have hurt some people. I feel like I am cold when it comes to these kind of transactions.

I was having dinner before hearing Shostakovich Tenth at Avery Fisher Hall. I had dinner with R, a writer friend. I was telling him about this coldness (which is not just my perception; I have been accused of this more times than I wish to be). He said "of course you're cold. You're an aquarius." R is an aquarius too. And I remembered: we are supposed to be remote on a personal level, though we are sensitive and concerned about the state of things. I am not proud of this.

me, today

This picture was actually taken yesterday. But I look the same today.

Things are in turmoil. I have the constant and intense pain in my back. I saw a dr. yesterday but he creeped me out. He crossed some boundaries. I should of just ran the hell out screaming. I will not go back to him (surprise!). I found another highly-recommended doctor in the neighborhood and will see him tomorrow. In the meantime the pain is relentless and I just sit here and wait it out.

I am given to worrying, and I am very worried about a person who is deeply important to me, fundamental, in my heart forever. And I must be strong for him. And I confused about too many things, and how it is that you think that you experienced so much difficulty and hard situations that you should get a break from time to time and I find it doesn't happen for me. But enough complaining. I will be strong, I will support my friend in any way possible, I will deal with whatever situation results.

And B, I thank you for your ear and your good advice.

some other spring

Spring brings beautiful flowers. In my life it often brings upheaval too.

problem solved

My cats eat on the table because Mabel would eat all their food if I served them on the floor. But my table is constantly crusted with little dribbled bits of Fancy Feast. Gross. I put a glass top on the table to make it easier to clean, but still the problem persisted. Finally yesterday I went to Target (driving to Gateway Plaza in deepest Brooklyn, an ordeal that I would rather not repeat) and bought two large plastic mats to cover the table when they eat. Finally one problem solved.

** ** ** ** ** **

I have spent the last few days trying to let my back recover; I strained my lower back, already messed up from three herniated disks, moving equipment at school. This morning it felt considerably better. However, about twenty minutes ago I was bending over to pick up a bag full of heavy books and I felt a wrenching pull and I could not stand up straight, was forced to sit on the floor in tears with pain. Now I can't stand upright and it is absolutely killing me.

good friday

something better