loneliness

Schoenberg wrote an essay. "How One Becomes Lonely" tells of his struggle as an artist, writing misunderstood music, reviled by a culture that did not understand him. But I don't agree with his view. I did not become lonely. I have always felt lonely, and I write my music as an expression of the world that I feel I inhabit in solitary. What I wish for is to become "unlonely" but, in a lifetime so far, in periods when I was truly alone and when I was comforted some by a lover or partner, I have not found relief. After so much questioning I understand an existential loneliness, and that knowledge comforts and frightens me at the same time. Reading Thierry's recent post--which I struggled with with my graduate school French-- I understood what he feels. Like we are, as he comments, so similar in some ways. But I am alone even when I am surrounded in a circle of friends. The one thing I may never know is why this is so. But I stand apart, and must find some kind of peace.