Monday, January 17, 2005

Removal

I read my posts and I try to view them from a detached perspective, as if I were not me. And in doing this, I am struck my how bleak they are. Yet the pictures are beautiful.

So I wonder: if this is my way of seeing the world, one that contains such despair and such beauty, what do others see? I imagine that I scare most people away, once they know me. On the surface I may seem agreeable enough, perhaps more "serious" in manner than most people are (and this makes some people uncomfortable). So, I become lonely, because I drive people away. Yes, I have a few good friends with whom I am not afraid to voice my fears. So I am lucky.

And when I look at my history and my life so far, I realize that I am fortunate in many ways. I have had great gifts: my education, the generosity of the places that gave me opportunity that I would not have been able to afford otherwise; the good luck in my career, so that my music was recognized and applauded enough to allow me to continue. So I am not complaining about circumstance or wishing for wealth or fame or fortune. But I have always been sad, ever since I can remember. This does not mean I can't experience happiness. I have had many happy times. But that is because I know sadness so well.

I am just wishing for lightness.

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