blame

Surangama writes so eloquently about his depression. It is a relief not to blame one's self, he writes; he sees his psyche as "the distillation of so many tragic histories." Reading his ideas about his depression allows me to consider mine from different angles. Have I ever blamed myself? Yes, in that I have felt that my depression comes from some personal weakness, some lack of strength, some pathetic sensitivity. But then, in more recent times, I understand that it is organic; that because I am bipolar the depression and the mania are intrinsic parts of my psyche. Like Surangama, my psyche is the product of a tragic history, which is itself the product of a confluence of various tragic histories. But as what is now history was unfolding experienced it only as it was, without the filter of analysis--I was a child--and so it was not tragic, only real. It was just life. Now, looking back, it is tragic, and sad. If I simply recounted the facts of my life, the "tragic history" is written in almost every scene. But this allows me to experience both good and bad with some understanding, and perhaps it is what gives me the strength to fight the depression that so often engulfs me. My cycles are waves, and more and more I can see them coming from farther off than I could in the past. This is a paradox. It enables me to deal but it makes the future seem bleak. But I press on...