dites-moi la vérité

My first psychiatrist told me once that before the days of antidepressant medication, doctors would force their depressed patients to stay awake for unnaturally long periods of time; this changes the brain chemistry and can lift the depression, at least temporarily. Perhaps this is why I was up all night. I could not sleep. Yesterday I plunged so severely that by evening I was very worried and all I could do was lie on the sofa, curled up in a ball, while Y. watched “American Idol.” Then I tried, hopelessly, to sleep. Now, in the morning, I have moved the car and now feel that awful muffled feeling of having been up all night; but my mood is lifted somewhat so now comes the analysis. What happened yesterday to plunge me so quickly into decline?

I realize that it started after I read Thierry’s blog, in which he expressed a yearning to go home to France, to see his parents and his friends. And I realize, although not for the first time, but maybe more significantly, that one of the biggest causes of my despair is that there is no home for me to go to; I want so badly to miss my parents and to be able to go home, and yet that place no longer exists. This sounds petty and jealous when I read it; and I also realize that this was always an issue in my relationships. For people who do have the security of a functional family and a “home,” even if only in intangible form, there is no need, no desperate need as there is in me. And this makes me wounded, saddles me with baggage, and causes me recurring despair verging on panic and self-destruction. And the anniversary of my mother’s death only brings this back to me more painfully.

So when I thought of Thierry and Bao walking through the gates, all I could think was that I wished to be there too, to have some feeling of security that comes from having a circle, something to protect me. And I think, "Bao, Thierry, all I want is to walk in the park for two hours too. All is want is to feel safe." Maybe this is wrong, to ask this; maybe it is even pathetic. So I continue to punish myself.