kindness

Last evening Thierry had me over for dinner. I drank scotch, he drank scotch, and we talked; or rather, I talked incessantly and he was good enough and patient enough to let me. I talked about the past, about love, and about the love that weighs most heavily on my shoulders. And through his kindness, because of it, I feel a lightness; we walked through the park in the heavy snow, and the gates looked especially beautiful (I don't care what the art critics say), and the walk and the snow and the group of happily playing dogs that we saw lifted my mood. This morning when I woke up I felt more free, somehow, than I have felt in a long time.

And then, doing my errands this morning, I remembered two brief encounters I had yesterday that seemed more significant today. They were fleeting and my mood was so bizarre yesterday that I did not really register their impact until now. First, on my way to teach, I ran into the retired founding head of the school where I teach. He is a brilliant man for whom I have utmost admiration and respect. And we were talking about how one has enemies (he is an outspoken blunt speaker and radical thinker, and thus has had more than a few) and I mentioned that I, undoubtedly, had a few myself. And he said to me, "I have never heard anything from anyone who knows you, either your students or fellow faculty, who does not have tremendous respect for you, for your art, for your teaching, for your humility. You have no arrogance, like so many artists." And I did not know what to say. I never do in these situations, other thank to thank him and become tongue-tied. And then I was almost late for class, so I had to run off.

Later in the day, I saw the head of the high school--I have worked with her for many years--with whom I had to discuss a student, a very talented student, with whom I had had a troubling conversation the previous day. And the head of the high school told me. with a touch of bewilderment and amusement, that "_________ is terrified of you." And ____________ had told me himself, when we spoke yesterday, that he was intimidated by me. And I was perplexed; and then I realized that, because he is so talented, I push him harder than some other students, and he is young, and maybe I am too intense. And I told this to him. But the head of the high school said she told him that "Jon is one of the kindest, gentlest teachers I have known."

And so today, walking in the sun and the cold, I realized that maybe I am kind, and gentle. And for this I can be grateful. And I need to remind myself of these things more than I do, not to become arrogant, but to be comforted.