second-guessing

Well, the horoscope was partially correct. I went to J&R to buy a new espresso machine, thanks to Yoshi's b-day gift. He prevailed upon me to pick it out, which is probably best since he rarely drinks espresso. So I bought a very cool machine, stainless steel, and much better results than my old one. I am a bit of a freak about espresso and if I could I would buy one of those amazing thousand-dollar Italian devices, but alas...

So now, hyper-caffeinated, I write and listen to Lucinda Williams and think. And I wonder if what I wrote to Bao this morning was too harsh, or too hysterical, or too melodramatic. Or maybe it is just me being totally honest. But I know this about myself: I never want to hurt my friends. I try not to hurt anyone; I believe in karma, and that good comes back to those who try to be good themselves. And I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have been thinking a lot lately about those two conversations I had on Thursday, and while the legacy of my childhood and my depression has been low self-esteem and the feeling that I am somehow a bad person, clearly others do not see me that way. And this is some relief, because it shows me that I am ok, that maybe I actually have done some good in the world. This has always been very important to me. I have always wanted to do good in the world, in some way. So Bao, please, if you read this, know that my care for you is very deep and will always be so. That, I promise.