tangle

Bao advises me to forgive so that I can be free. His words touch my heart and I am grateful. And though I have thought a lot about this idea in the past, he has inspired me to consider it all again. Forgiving is a wonderful and generous act. And I am a generous person. But what exactly is it to forgive? I think forgiving means giving something intangible; it means to give over a part of yourself, to turn pain into something sweet and then hand it over to the one who caused the pain. And I wonder: can I do it? Maybe forgiveness is not the answer, for every time I try to forgive I am filled with pain as if it is the first time. Maybe the answer is to empty my mind, and in doing so, to forget.

This time of year is hard for me; my birthday arrives soon, and it always has depressed me. And this is the anniversary of my mother's death, which follows my birthday by a few days. So the psychic pain of the past returns, and I can't sleep, and I am overwhelmed by sadness, and I turn inside myself, like a turtle withdrawing into its shell, and all I want is for someone to hold me, take me away, bring me to a place where the past has vanished, pain is forgotten--not even a dim memory--and I can truly be free.

Bao, you are right. I was mad; I did try to abandon the past by fleeing, from place to place, Poughkeepsie to Chicago to Paris to New York, always thinking that some new place would save me, that in a new place I would be happy, that the clouds would blow away. Now I know that that can never happen. So I return to where I started. Can I forgive? Will it make scars disappear?

Bao, maybe this is the answer: my forgiveness is my music, my paintings, my attempts to bring beauty into the world. I do not care about fame or money or reknown and I never have.

Once, in a deep depression, I remember crying for hours, unable to move from my bed, and through my head ran this litany:

I was not meant for this world.
I was not meant for this world.
I was not meant for this world.

After all, it has been said to me many times,"what planet are you from?" And not in jest.