Saturday, March 05, 2005


Today I am harassed by the old familiar yet threatening thoughts, deeply disturbing and enervating. I feel exhausted and I am struggling. Last night I could not sleep and awoke so early and all day I vacillate between feeling "normal" and then suddenly I am gripped by thoughts of harming myself so alarming that I have to just stop what I am doing and try to breathe deeply and shut my eyes and stand still until the feeling passes. Tonight I am having dinner guests and I am just hoping that I will be able to be a gracious host. Yoshi will cook, sparing me that, although I wish now that I were going to because it would give me something to do. Maybe I will play the piano, if my guests don't mind. It might help. I hate feeling like this and I wish so badly that it would just stop. The past is coming back to me in waves, waves that I don't wish to see or hear or feel ever again. I want oblivion. The sand as sea...the deep swallowing ocean...and this is my hand. It looks almost dead, no? Though the skin would be more of a blue color...


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