scars

I just returned from swimming. I beat myself to a pulp, figuratively speaking.

While I was swimming, I contemplated the effect that the past has on my present. Since I am so often thinking about the past, analyzing, dissecting, I thought that I might formulate some personal theory, a theory of my past, that could help me in the future.

I realized that my past loves--not flings, but real loves--have each left a scar on me. I realized that I am susceptible to this. I think that many people, even if scarred, can shed their skin, like a snake does, and thus the scars disappear, and they become a blank slate, unmarred, and can face the future with the confidence of newness.

I do not think it works like that for me. In fact, I am sure that it does not. And thus a new question emerges: have I left scars on my past loves? I think not...

As my homeboy Todd Rundgren once sang:

"The wound you left is healing and then
it starts itching and I scratch it open again..."