worry

Because I worry so much, I wonder how my blogging friends are. If I don't read new posts, I worry: is ____ ok? Has he disappeared forever? Can he just delete himself, the way one can delete a blog at the press of a key on the keyboard? Is this the truth about the ephemeral nature of this "blogging"? This is my fear, that these ties are really unreal, dependent as they are on exchanges that do not occur in real time, lacking the face-to-face quality of intimacy or friendship.

So then I think that I should not worry so much about past and future, and do as I am so often told, live "in the moment." I wonder about why this is so difficult for me. And in thinking this over, I have concluded something, a theory impossible to prove or disprove, but one that might explain. Because in my work, as a musician, I must be in the moment in order to do what I do, my other time cannot be spent in the moment, because balance is necessary for one to function. So when I am not practicing, or composing, or painting, I must describe the past for myself, or think about what lies ahead, so that I will have the necessary energy and focus to be "in the moment" the next time I practice, or compose, or paint.