success/ambition

Apropos of my last post:

Once I asked B. what he wanted, in a relationship. Because I was crushed. I wanted to know why...

"I want someone who is successful, who is ambitious," he told me. I was deeply wounded; I felt stung by his words. Because I was successful, and ambitious, but not in a way that might be obvious in the eyes of many. I am not rich, or even close to being rich. I am not seeking fame or wealth. But I have achieved success in the most important way that I have wanted: to be seen as an artist by other artists, to have my work taken seriously by musicians and audiences, to have achieved success in my studies, finishing my PhD at UChicago at a very young age, too young perhaps. But I have never been one to boast, although it might appear I am doing so here. But I do so only in explanation. I am too shy and too self-conscious to toot my own horn in any kind of public way, except perhaps through the cover of anonymity that this blog provides me. Unlike many of my composer peers, I have never had a huge ego. Even having to go the front of the hall after a premiere or performance is a kind of torture for me. Sometimes I wish that I had a bigger ego, that I saw myself as a genius and that I then pursued attention in the way that creates success for artists, at least in terms of fame. But I think I know about fame, and that it is not a measure of merit. Fame is material, it is for gratification and validation, but I get those things from my work.

I know, in my heart, that B. did not mean to hurt me; on the contrary, he was trying to explain something that was not easy for him, and it was not an easy situation, and I was already very upset. I forgave him long ago. But thinking about things I wrote about in the previous post stimulated this one, and I want to explore.