sex

I have not written of sex yet in this blog. I have not tried to titillate, to amuse, to arouse, or to give anything away. I am a very private person in some ways, although the very existence of this blog seems to contradict that. But in the last few days I have had to spend some time explaining my view of sex and the role sex has played in my life. While like most people I have had my wild times, my wanton ways, I have always been left feeling empty and foolish from those escapades, although I can't deny the fun of some. But for me, really, sexual expression is my communication of a true kind of love. And since, as I have discovered, those with whom I have truly been in love, in the past, I love still, almost without exception. This is my own, not obvious, bohemianism.

This ethic has caused me grief, and no doubt has hurt others too. I have gotten myself into trouble in relationships. But I can't deny my desire. If I have no feelings, no emotional attachment, I can't have a physical connection. Maybe when we are very young, when our hormones are in overdrive, it is easier to have faceless, nameless sex. For me, for the past many years, this no longer can work.

I know that not everyone can understand this kind of amorphous view; many people prefer the serial-monogamist approach. My love is loyal and true, but it can never be focused solely on only one if it means forgetting my past loves. I will suffer from this, undoubtedly, again and again, but it is who I am.