Eating

First I was late leaving. Then I got to Court Street and the R train was not stopping there. So I went to Borough Hall at Joralemon Street to take the 4-5. When I got there I found that I had picked up an expired metrocard from my desk, and had to buy a new one, although I had just bought one Saturday. Then I waited ten minutes for the train. Transferring to the local at Brooklyn Bridge seemed like a sure thing, as a 6 train was waiting. But it took ten minutes to leave the station. I was late to meet Bao. We went to Dok Suni where I used to go years ago when I was doing shows and rehearsing at PS122. I ordered a dish that was the hottest thing I had ever eaten. I love kimchi and Korean food but this was like the chef had taken a whole jarful of that red hot pepper sauce and dumped it in a bowl. I ate a little and could eat no more; I was sweating from the heat of the food.

We discussed depression and I didn't explain very well that sometimes, like a change in a weather pattern, I just am overwhelmed by a feeling of hopelessness, like nothing means anything, even when I can rationally understand that it's not true. Some people have troubles and never get depressed; come people have relatively few "troubles" and are depressed all the time. I said that in Vermont I felt better, more calm and more peaceful, and that the city was wearing on me. After all I am a country boy at heart. Bao was skeptical about me living in Vermont. He suggested that I try it out for a long period without committing; i.e. don't sell the apartment but sublet. A very good idea.

When I was going home, the R train stopped between stations and sat for fifteen minutes. I had drunk a beer and lots of water (trying to recover from the food) and I thought my bladder would burst. And there was a guy who appeared "normal," a college student maybe, who started talking to himself in a wildly animated way. He was sitting across the aisle from me and I tried not to look but it was adding to my agitation. My life is ruled sometimes by logistical difficulties. But I try not to let them get to me. It just seems that they really pile up sometimes.