Rather than write some homily about the wonder of the new year and all that, I will present my new theory that I have been contemplating for a while now.
I was thinking that I was depressed in part because I was lonely, but now I realize that is wrong. I don't mind solitude. I have friends. I could go out more and do things; there are people around that I can call. I used to have a vigorous social life. I would never have spent new year's eve at home by 10, by myself.
But because I am depressed, I can't muster up the energy/courage/commitment it takes to have the kind of socially busy life and relationships that would keep me busy and prevent my feeling cut off from the people around me. I have isolated myself and thus I am lonely. In a way this this realization comes as a relief. I don't feel any better; my depression cloaks me like a heavy cape and I just long to disappear. But at least I don't blame myself so much. After all, after a childhood that was both emotionally and pragmatically turbulent in a family that had more than its share of the variously mentally ill, how could I ever expect to be stable?
1 comment:
Madabandon,
I've thought about you a lot today. I'm in the midst of a big, black pit and my eyes are raw from crying. My dad's terminally ill, I'm still emotionally raw from a relationship that ended a year and a half ago, I'm struggling with an addiction (to marijuana of all things), a weight problem, diabetes...at 32. I'm fucking angry and sad and lonely. I spent last night alone, went to bed at 10, awoke to the sounds of neigbhors celebrating. I too don't mind solitude. But if I'm ever to get over my relationship, to change my perspective, to feel better about me then I need to surround myself with the people who reflect me: my friends, people who love me. I see my therapist almost weekly and sometimes I feel like...what is the fucking point? Have I evolved? You are not alone in your pain. I will never know your pain or the extent of it. I just know mine, and that pain is pain. But I want you to know that through your honesty, through your openness I have felt consolation and compassion. What a precarious situation to feel so deeply. I often wish I could be more open in my blog about my depression. But anytime I come close to talking about it my friends get worried, word gets around and then everybody treats me like I have an STD or something. I don't mask it, I guess I just open up to the people who know me best. You're courageous and I admire you. Thanks for being you.
Tris
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