function/dysfunction

In the last six days I have been unable to sleep, eat, work, talk, socialize, or relax successfully.

The worst thing about feeling this way is that I can't tell anyone, really. If someone asks me how I am I just say I am fine. If I told the truth it would simply alienate people. There are a few very close to me to whom I will confess, but even with them I hold back, because I know that there is nothing anyone can say to improve my state, and I don't want them to feel bad. And I don't want to be shunned. So I lie.

Now, I've been lied to, and I know how awful it can be. But this is a harmless little lie. It does no ill to anyone really. Well, it does some harm to me, but I cannot hope for more help from anyone. And what am I to do, call my doctor? What good will that do?

I was supposed to see my regular doctor this evening for my usual tests (residue of a serious illness almost ten years ago) but I rescheduled because there was no way in hell I could deal with going into Manhattan and sitting in the waiting room and telling the doctor how fcking miserable I feel right now.

And I really did vow to myself that I would no longer use this blog to complain. So don't think of this as a complaint. It is just a report. I am reporting, not complaining.