shut down

Yesterday I felt awful. I was exhausted from not sleeping and depression. I could do nothing. I was afraid that I might see someone and have to speak, that I would open my mouth to do so and no sound would emerge. So I stayed inside. Mabel was mad at me because there was no long walk. I couldn't do it. I slept all afternoon, slept past the point where I felt tired, slept until my head ached and my eyes burned. In the evening I forced myself awake, and then drank coffee and smoked a bit, and felt a burst of energy. I called E____ to see if he wanted to have dinner. I went to the EVill and met him. I was feeling pretty manic, talking too much and overly animated, so I drank two beers before eating to take the edge off. We wanted to eat sushi but all the local places were packed with what looked to me like high school students. The East Village is like one giant NYU dormitory now.

We ate thai food then hung out for a while until I abruptly left. I wanted to ride the subway, I looked forward to it in fact, but the L train was not running. I had to take a taxi, which cost $14. I slept and dreamed of flooded houses in Vermont. One house had a group of people standing inside (I was looking into the window) chest-deep in water, holding umbrellas over their heads. This morning when Patsy and Mabel woke me I felt like I could scream.

Listening to NPR I heard a segment about new discoveries about SSRI antidepressants, and how it might be possible to concoct one that will be as fast-acting as ibuprofen or tylenol. Imagine! If I were feeling like I was yesterday and last night and most of the time, I could take a pill and instantly--well, almost instantly--feel better. But I felt better when I first started taking antidepressants all those years ago. But now I feel back in the same place.