Decision

I have decided that I will not end my blog. But I will not always post entries either. Ending it does not suit me; I keep a journal anyway, so I am still risking too much introspection and examination. At least the blog has other components. When I started it was my intention to use the blog to explore how bipolarity (?) affects me. So back to that.

I was teaching one class today, talking about how visual artists and composers found much in common in the twentieth century: as visual artists moved toward abstraction they found inspiration in composers, who had been working with abstraction for centuries. Someone asked me who my favorite artists were. I gave a short list, and then remembered one: the Japanese painter/sculptor/installation artist Yayoi Kusuama. She is mentally ill and lives in an institution. She maintains a studio outside, and is transported from the institution to her studio to work, then brought back to her institution at the end of the working day. At the institution, presumably, she is attended to, fed, taken care of.

Then I thought of how this would suit me. I need attending to, but I am the attendant. Living alone, single, I take care of everything myself. This is fine when I feel fine, but I usually don't. I have been on a hypomanic binge since last week. In that time I have rearranged and reordered my apartment; I have start refinishing the dining room floor; I have been a whirlwind of activity so that I am almost at the point of exhaustion. I have to watch what I say and do very carefully and control my impulses, some of which are disturbing to say the least. And tomorrow, whether I am manic or depressed (or hopefully "normal") I will still have to manage. Now many people manage themselves just fine. But lots of people have help. Single people who are ill, who have chronic disorders, can have a tough time. If I were in a relationship I would become the same difficult person I am in every relationship, shifting from one extreme to another, presenting my partner with a very difficult challenge, one that most people just can't handle.

So Yayoi Kusama may have found the perfect solution. However, that would not work here in this country. So I keep persevering.