music etc.

I gave a concert last night at my school. I played three tunes. If you know my website URL, you can listen to them under "jazz mp3s." I had a crazy day and barely had time to practice, so when I concert time rolled around I felt a little frazzled, but calm. I was not happy at all with my playing. The piano was a dog--a concert grand, but not a Steinway or even a Baldwin or Yamaha, but an old Kawai, and old Kawais are not good--and no matter how carefully I played it I could not get the kinds of tones and sounds I wanted. So I was bummed out. But when I got home, I listened to the recording, and I felt a lot better.

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But this kind of relief is situational and temporary. Lodgerlow wrote a thoughtful comment on my post from Sunday.

Are you OK? If you are having a hard time please keep some perspective. Take care of yourself, hey?

I do try and keep perspective. I know that many people have a much harder life than I do: out of work, financially strapped, health problems, family trouble...I am not naive enough to think that my problem is the worst thing that could befall me. But I do know that while I no longer seek "happiness" as a steady state--in fact I believe that it is a flawed concept--I do wish for some respite from the feeling of total bleakness that accompanies me virtually all the time. I have short periods of relief, like when I play the piano, or when I am teaching sometimes. But when I wake up, or any time that I have time to myself, I just sink. I really honestly don't know how I can continue in this state. I really don't.