not again...

I had said I would dwell on the past anymore. But this morning, feeling desperate to find some way to help myself, I googled "causes of bipolar disorder." There was a lot of information. The general impression I have is that there is a genetic predisposition to it, which I most certainly have (my grandmother and my aunt) which, when coupled with "difficult life events and circumstances" can trigger the disorder. And I had this very vivid and upsetting memory:

When I was in first grade I became terrified of school. I was convinced that I would be abandoned by my parents, that no one would show up to pick me up at the end of the day. In the morning my mother would make us breakfast. I would not be able to eat, and sometimes vomited. I remember vomiting on the walkway in front of the house on more than one occasion. So my father's solution was to whip me with his belt. And just to keep me in line, every morning he would come to the table with a thick belt which he would set down next to me as a reminder of what would happen if I vomited again.

I think these days that kind of behavior would be considered child abuse.