melancholy day

purple flowers (2)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is one of those odd days during which I have very little interaction with other people. When I walked Mabel this morning it was still early and almost no one was out. No one I knew, anyway. Later, around noon, I went to the grocery store and there were throngs of people, families mostly, and I rushed through my errand because I felt acutely aware of how I was by myself, buying my meager bits of food for me only, going back to my apartment to spend the day by myself. I was quite tired for some reason--melancholy?--and so after I ate something I took a nap. I slept for almost 90 minutes, too long for a nap, and woke when my dream took a disturbing turn. I was looking at my mother's old white Rambler station wagon, but it was filled with dead leaves. When I woke I felt shitty and useless, but I cleaned up a bit and paid my bills. I talked to Y (he is in LA) and this made me feel more isolated still because he was tired and sort of wordless and so to compensate I talked too much and then felt like I was being neurotic and so I ended the conversation. As my melancholy grew the sky grew darker with clouds. I still have some work to do for tomorrow but I can't seem to get started. But I do not feel depressed. Just down. There is a huge difference.