bridge in Duxbury
Originally uploaded by madabandon.
Well, here I am, at home. The storm and my cold conspired against me, and I canceled my rehearsal; or rather, they will rehearse, but I will not be there to help them. I am feeling somewhat better today, my maniacal sneezing having receded into memory. If the storm continues through the night it will be a replica of the day I was born on my actual birthday. Interesting.
Birthdays are, for me, a time of reflection, and while I could write a book about my reflections, I will offer only a summary of a few major ones:
- I am happy with my present life, as I could not have predicted that it would go this way when I was younger, and am thankful that I am able to make my way in the world as an artist. I have had enough successes to enable me to continue and not throw in the towel as some my age end up doing. I spend my days writing music and teaching some incredible students, and I have a place to live that is my own--to answer my own insecurities about such things, which are considerable insecurities--and I have family that I love and Y and my Mabel and Patsy.
- I am disappointed in the ways of the world in music, in contemporary non-pop music, in the way that it seems so many composers' works have no SOUL. Facile, glib, expert, yes; soulful, no.
- I regret that I don't put more energy into fighting for the things that are most important to me: nature, tolerance, peace. But I believe that the work I do, making music and art and teaching, in some small way contributes positively to the world.
- I am not Pollyanna, despite #3. I have more than my share of nasty qualities. I am aloof, I am sensitive to slights, and I loathe laziness of the mind. I can be a little too sharp and testy, especially to those I am closest to; I am overly polite and reserved with those I don't know so well, but know well enough to drop some of the pretense.
- I am not afraid of death or my own mortality.
- I am coming to accept my bipolarity and the mania and depression that flit around like weather systems and control my moods. They are not going to disappear, but I am not going to let them throw me the way they so often have in the past.
Ok, enough for now. Back to work...