what to say

landscape (detail)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

After a rather intense appointment with my shrink I went to school to teach one class. I had been there only a few minutes when I was told by a close colleague that _______________ had died. Suddenly. A former student, one of my favorites, whose vivid flare and wild talent were evident at an early age. I was already in bad shape. My headache, which I was holding at bay thanks to imitrex, was pushing behind my eyes, which suddenly filled with tears. I would not cry in my office. I sat at my desk and just kept saying "oh shit oh shit oh shit." I wish that I could say that this was the first time I had had this experience, but there have been more than few among the kids I've taught. I don't really know what to say. I feel bizarrely empty, now; it is as if sadness and anger are too overwhelming so I won't even let them gain a foothold.

Then I met my brother and my father in Soho for dinner at a restaurant owned by clients of my brother, a very fine restaurant. It was a nice meal, returning headache notwithstanding, during which we discussed my brother's personal life and my sister's personal life. Interestingly, not a word was spoken of mine. No one asked so I didn't tell.