Friday, September 14, 2007

cleaning up

messy bedroom (detail)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am trying to spend the next few days organizing. I feel like the school year started while I was still napping. How could this be, when I knew it was coming? But somehow my head, despite my best intentions, was not where it might have been. But school has been closed yesterday and today--for Rosh Hashana--and I am using the time to prepare. Many times I have felt overwhelmed by it all and just tried to escape in sleep, but I can't sleep lately so that this is a strategy doomed to fail. I am feeling that maybe I have to go back on my antidepressants. I have come to terms with the fact that the depression is not disappearing; while my head is clearer since I stopped them in June--my memory is better--those benefits are negated by the return of dark thoughts, intractable bad mood, the desire for nothingness. I just don't know what to do, but I have to make a decision soon. I need to function well in the coming weeks, and the way I feel now I think it would take some superhuman effort to make it happen. Wish me luck.

The most important thing, in deciding, is to try to be objective. What do I stand to gain? What will I lose? I will make a list.

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