Originally uploaded by madabandon.
I have not posted in over a week. This is partly because I find myself swamped with work; suddenly I am in great demand, and I can barely keep my head on straight fulfilling all my obligations. This is good for my bank account and for my mental health, because I am so busy that I don't have time to let myself sink into the morass of my depression. Instead I become a hypomanic bundle of energy, and then collapse each night, exhausted. But I still am having a horrid time sleeping and I am wracked with disturbing, often-awful dreams that ruin my nights, leaving me more exhausted still.
And part of my silence is because I have been confronting a lot of things from the past, and having some startlingly vivid memories which have caused a lot of pain in me. I have made realizations that are agonizing. I have rarely felt so completely alone. I realize that I have only the scantest of support systems. Part of this is my fault. I am a typical Aquarian: aloof, often remote, hard to get to know. And I have had to make the sad realization that my family, as I have written of previously, is neither able or willing to help me. So I retreat into my work, my ferocious exercise (which is a true boon to my health; my last cholesterol level was 166!!), and try to maintain a positive attitude, because I am walking a tightrope and it would be very easy for me to fall, and I can't afford to fall right now.
But I truly appreciate the comments from those who have shown concern and sent their good wishes my way. It means a lot to me...