Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have not posted in over a week. This is partly because I find myself swamped with work; suddenly I am in great demand, and I can barely keep my head on straight fulfilling all my obligations. This is good for my bank account and for my mental health, because I am so busy that I don't have time to let myself sink into the morass of my depression. Instead I become a hypomanic bundle of energy, and then collapse each night, exhausted. But I still am having a horrid time sleeping and I am wracked with disturbing, often-awful dreams that ruin my nights, leaving me more exhausted still.

And part of my silence is because I have been confronting a lot of things from the past, and having some startlingly vivid memories which have caused a lot of pain in me. I have made realizations that are agonizing. I have rarely felt so completely alone. I realize that I have only the scantest of support systems. Part of this is my fault. I am a typical Aquarian: aloof, often remote, hard to get to know. And I have had to make the sad realization that my family, as I have written of previously, is neither able or willing to help me. So I retreat into my work, my ferocious exercise (which is a true boon to my health; my last cholesterol level was 166!!), and try to maintain a positive attitude, because I am walking a tightrope and it would be very easy for me to fall, and I can't afford to fall right now.

But I truly appreciate the comments from those who have shown concern and sent their good wishes my way. It means a lot to me...

1 comment:

she said...

beautiful picture and wonderful to find a new post here

congratulations on your productivity/business/cholesterol

lots going right. lack of sleep, though, if repetitive, will rob you of your gains, so hope you can find a way to get a full nights sleep.

and i feel a certain happiness for you, because i know that even though some memories can initially feel unbearable to the soul, they must be confronted in order to be processed, and must be processed in order to heal

difficult but very worthwhile.

one painful memory at a time...

an inner peace and happiness unlike anything you've ever known waits with open arms for you. go at your own pace

i love you, am praying for you, thinking about you

you seem so close. keep up the great work. ~s.