Friday, November 02, 2007

(no time for) reflection


mirror sky
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I don't mean that this is no time for reflection. Rather I mean that I have no time for reflection lately. My days are scheduled thoroughly. Wednesday I canceled my classes so that I could have a day to do some composing stuff and organizing that I had neglected for lack of time. I am happy with all my current obligations, but wish that I had my mornings back. Because I teach three mornings a week this year, I lose some of my most precious time. So I have taken to waking up at 530, to give me two good hours before I have to go direct my energies externally.

One nice thing: this morning I was thinking back on my life and the various things I have done, and I made one really positive conclusion. I have done well in all the major efforts I've made in my life. In my music, my past swimming career, my studies, my teaching; I've been successful on an objective level. Because I was thinking of how it would be to be a person who wasn't good at anything. My colleagues and I were discussing how some people just can't seem to find something that they are good at, and how frustrating it must be. And I realized that that has not been the case with me, and how lucky I am for that (and also how deeply I understand what hard work is).

What I am still lacking though is the confidence of having been successful on a subjective level, as in my own perspective. I still wish I were better. I wish I were a better artist, a better pianist, a better teacher, better organized in my life, better at my relationships. But I have the objective view to console me. I don't know about the relationship part, though. That is the toughest of all...

2 comments:

she said...

loved reading this post. -two hours before directing energies externally-

very smart!

because i have met countless passionless people -or better said, people who have not discovered their passion

i know how rich you are - not just painting, not just composing, but swimming, teaching, writing, photography

and i know so many people who would love to have just ONE - ONE PASSION... one thing that lit their fire; one thing that would motivate them and their lives would improve dramatically; be much more fulfilling/rewarding.

terrible to take such things for granted, but by acknowledging them here in writing, in your mind, in heart; it is a wonderful form of gratitude

as for subjective happiness.. it is my experience your desire
to be better.. even after demonstrating excellence.. is the nature of our world's greatest artists

you should view that as fuel, not failure

love, ~s.

she said...

just checkin' in...

miss your posts

love, ~s.