Two weeks ago or so, my sister called me. She asked me how I was. Normally I just say I am fine and we have a fairly insubstantial conversation. This time, I took a risk. I told her that my depression was very bad and that I was not doing so well. I have not heard from her since.
In my family it is best to pretend all is well all the time. Neither my brother, sister, and especially my father, can deal with any other kind of answer. It's no wonder that my depression persists. The very mention of it scares people off. Oh well. It's not like I am not used to that.
But I am doing better, bit by bit. It helps that I am excruciatingly busy and will only get more busy. I just got a big commission. It is an exciting project and $$$ also. But I must finish it, at least in some form, by March or so.
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3 comments:
each relationship, be it friend or family, seems to die, grow, evolve or stagnate according to the results of risk taking
but you cannot know without taking risks
i read this and think, and wonder, about a few different things
-your sister called you. that in and of itself, is a reaching out and caring
do you call her often? initiate calls? ask her how she is doing? -what inspired her call to you? sibling telepathy; sending her reason for concern? some other news to share?
in any case, i think what you share here is a common thread in conversation -people asking "how are you?" but without tools to respond to any answer outside of
"i'm fine. how are you?"
but it is exactly this pandemic of insubstantial conversations that deepens my appreciation for you and your blog posts
i'm glad to learn you have a profitable commission that will keep you "excrutiatingly busy" creating, while you experiment with medications, or wait for the current ones to start working
but i think, when you can be still. when you can be still and experience peace with the same joy busy-ness and creating brings
this is a health worth pursuing and experiencing.
it requires coming face to face with any and all soul injuries from the past. and seems to happen in steps
acknowledgement;
raw, unleashed, unjudged, emotions of pain, anger, sadness, tears for cleansing.
acceptance of limitations and suffering that are a built-in part of human life;
a search for the lesson, value in all suffering (often resulting in great compassion/empathy/love); and
gratitude for any/all blessings and miracles
but if the chemicals/connections in your brain stay locked on one path, these steps are unrealistic. in fact, impossible, and it would be stupid to judge yourself harshly for something beyond your control
but i wonder -in reading this post- have you addressed your soul injuries? the loss of your mother prematurely? a family big on success, conservative with love?
and have you adequately celebrated your massive achievements and contributions in the arts and as a teacher?
depression can bring you to your knees -but that's a great place to stay and pray and express gratitude for your life and gifts and talents
... risk, for me too, going on and on like this...
and sending you love from california
"i love you!" ~s.
i believe that you are close, and pray you achieve this life affirming experience
-miss your posts here.
hope all is well
love, ~s.
thinking of you.
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