equanimity

I am on edge these days. The stress of having too much to do plus the other concerns that have been stressing me are, in combination, enough to put me on a path to collapse. Luckily the holiday break is fast approaching and soon I will have some time to rest, I hope. And to compound things, I am feeling troubled: some people, important people in my life, have been letting me down. You see, it is natural for me to help those I care for; I have a kind of helpful nature--why else would I be drawn to teaching--that I rarely question. But of course, when one helps others, one also hopes that those others would return the favor if a situation arose. And I have been let down. And this saddens me and also makes me feel foolish. But so often this is true: those who give are often taken for granted. The recipient of the kindness, if the kindness is ongoing, possibly begins to feel that this is just how things are, and that there is no obligation to do the same in turn. So once again, my idealism begins to seem naive, and I am left alone to fend for myself. I wonder why I do this to myself.