Happy New Year

smile

I've been in a good mood lately, which is great, since usually the holidays get me down. Last evening I met Y at the Guggenheim to see the Richard Prince show, which I found entirely underwhelming. Why is this guy given a huge show when there are so many great artists out there? We arrived at separate times, and Y didn't have his phone, so it was interesting trying to find each other in the large crowd. But we did. And later we ate dinner at a new Vietnamese restaurant that has opened in my neighborhood. It was good, which is exciting; my neighborhood has too many mediocre restaurants so I hope this one is a keeper.

my teacher was a genius...

My brother called me this evening to tell me about this article on the front page of the NY TIMES' Arts section today.

I feel so proud for Ralph, and I feel so lucky for having known him as I did. He was a great artist, a deep intense man with an overflowing heart and an extraordinarily prickly personality. He had no patience with fools or bureaucracy or convention. My life would not be what it is today had I not gome to Chicago to study with him.

formalism

malevich
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Growing up--when my parents were still together-- my family was formal, especially in comparison to just about every other family I knew then. We always ate dinner together at the large table in the family room, the brick massive fireplace behind us. We sat down when we called to the table, and we could not leave until we were excused. We had courses. Something first, then the main part of the meal, then dessert. My parents discussed their respective days. My dad would give blow-by-blow recitations of his court battles (at that time he was head of litigation at a very proper-and-prestigious old Philadelphia law firm, making very good money and enjoying professional success). My mom would talk about the horses and how her work with them was going. We were asked about school. We were not to interrupt, and we used proper grammar of my mother would gently correct us. I often misbehaved. I was the rebel middle child, the eccentric, and often I would be sent from the table because I would get fidgety and mischievous.

Now at the holidays, when we give gifts to one another, there is a different kind of formalism but I chafe against it too. I would prefer if we all just gave random gifts at random times but that I know is odd to most people, if an attractive idea. Just not practical for most. But since we do it in such a proper way, with many inquiries about wish lists and such, I go along. I do not ask people what they want, though, preferring to pick something myself. I consult with my brother and sister about gifts for my father and stepmother, although this year I just acted independently.

But to make a long ramble short, my brother gave me a turntable with which I can convert my LPs to mp3 and store them on my network. This is a great idea. I have many records, though sadly in my long years sans turntable I sold some of the best, especially my jazz imports. But I still have a lot of mid-century high modernism, the stuff I breathed in college and graduate school, and so now I am listening, traveling back in time to Hyde Park on the south side of Chicago, where the long gray winter kept me inside, listening for hours in my shabby but comfortable studio room with the huge bay windows...I had a huge apartment for $500 a month, two large bedrooms, huge living room, huger dining room (that was my work-studio) and a kitchen with a pantry. It was all quite run down but I was a student and I thought it was wonderful. In midwinter the snow would drift in through the leaking window sashes in the living room so that I would find snow drifts in the corners, several inches thick.

But LPs on vinyl sound amazingly better than digital media. There is a glassiness and perfection in digital that somehow misses the warmth and physicality of beautiful instrumental sound, especially in acoustic music (classical, jazz, mostly). I will never live without a turntable again, and I will start buying records as I used to, voraciously.

looking up

Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Things in the composing department have been revving up. In the past two weeks I have received some surprises, all good. One piece is going on a European tour. Another is going to be performed at the Monadnock Music Festival in New Hampshire this summer. This is a wonderful festival that draws some of the best performers from NYC and Boston. Two of my pieces were just featured on minimalmusic.org, a website featuring new music of many genres. This is all good. And now I have a decently long break from teaching during which I hope to make real headway on the tabla/choral piece. I hope the gray, soulful winter sky remains; it seems to bring out the best in my imagination. No wonder I was drawn, perversely, to Chicago.

equanimity

I am on edge these days. The stress of having too much to do plus the other concerns that have been stressing me are, in combination, enough to put me on a path to collapse. Luckily the holiday break is fast approaching and soon I will have some time to rest, I hope. And to compound things, I am feeling troubled: some people, important people in my life, have been letting me down. You see, it is natural for me to help those I care for; I have a kind of helpful nature--why else would I be drawn to teaching--that I rarely question. But of course, when one helps others, one also hopes that those others would return the favor if a situation arose. And I have been let down. And this saddens me and also makes me feel foolish. But so often this is true: those who give are often taken for granted. The recipient of the kindness, if the kindness is ongoing, possibly begins to feel that this is just how things are, and that there is no obligation to do the same in turn. So once again, my idealism begins to seem naive, and I am left alone to fend for myself. I wonder why I do this to myself.

thyme

thyme
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am buried under a pile of work. Not only do I have two pieces weighing heavily on my mind, but I am writing student evaluations. I can only write a few at a time, because I try very hard to be thorough and precise in my language, and it takes a lot of concentration. Now of course if I spent half as much time actually doing the things I have to--rather than thinking about how much I have to do--I would be finished by now. But this has always been my habit. Somehow, in the state of carrying this constant burden, my little brain works out the issues so that when I come around to do the work, it comes easily.

There is also a lot going on in my non-work life. My aunt--my mom's much younger sister, to whom I am quite close--is facing some serious medical issues. This is bringing back very clearly the memories of my mother's illness, and so while I am very concerned and am in daily contact with her (she lives in southern Florida, near Miami) the situation is creating a great deal of anxiety for me. It does not help that her own kids are utterly selfish and self-absorbed and seem neither capable nor willing to put their own stuff aside to help their mother (even though neither of them works, since they are quite wealthy and spend all their time spending their money).

So it is no wonder I have not been sleeping well and that my general state is more tense than I would like. But to combat that I am soon off to the gym to work myself into exhaustion, which is one of the only things that helps me get my head together.

hammy sleeping

hammy sleeping
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

What Have I Been Lamenting All These Months?

http://www.nysun.com/article/67365?page_no=1

working

I guess I can add "professional photographer" to my resumé. Over the past few months I have sold a few photos, one to a company that makes artsy greeting cards and two others to publications (in Europe of all places). Now I am listing some more with a company that sells images; I will be one of their stable of photographers. This is fun, and the extra cash is always appreciated.

I think that I need to get a DSLR if I want to improve my work though. I have a very good camera, a Canon that is exactly as a DSLR but the lens is not changeable.

Maybe I can finance an early retirement from teaching...or something.

Oh, and I have a bit of bronchitis. Ugh.

quiet

This tree stands just in front of my brother's house along the Delaware River.

Thanksgiving was fun, a somewhat raucous and hedonistic affair. I don't usually drink but my brother's partner (I refuse to call her girlfriend because she is a woman, not a girl) made cranberry daquiris upon my arrival, and I indulged just enough to get a pleasant buzz but not a headache nor a hangover. The food was great; my vegetables were a huge hit--I made brussels sprouts which will change any hater's mind in an instant; they have never failed--and roasted carrots (with garlic, rosemary and thyme, and baked butternut squash with coconut oil, dried cane juice and salt and pepper. There were like five different pies all made by C (brother's partner) and a very nice turkey (all organic of course) and much wine also.

My nephews, the two younger ones, were a bit wild (lots of running and high decibels which threatened to take my sanity) but they enjoyed themselves, clearly.

Today I installed a new light fixture in the kitchen (not an easy task but successful with some crucial assistance from Y who is far better at such things than I) and cleaned.

I have been quite irritable lately which I think is a symptom of some classic hypomania which I am keeping under control by breathing, a little clonazepam and a little weed. So far so good, but not without some stress to those around me.

Happy Thanksgiving

This is Hammy. He is the best. And he's gotten quite big. I think he might be almost as big as Mr. Tuna...

happy

Originally uploaded by madabandon.

In two days, or actually less than two days, I will go to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving. I am going to my brother's house--he lives in Manhattan, but bought a house on the Delaware River a few years back--where my family will gather along with friends of mine and my brother's girlfriend. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, the only holiday I really enjoy.

I am happy because I have a little break from the hectic schedule that I have been maintaining the last two months. I am always busy lately. Even my composing time is tightly scheduled. And I need a break. So tomorrow I will stay home, cooking, relaxing, perhaps going to the gym but maybe not...I plan to enjoy my down time. Because it will be over all too soon. And I want to sleep. A lot, if possible. But I know that I will be lucky if I can sleep any more than usual, because sleep seems to be the source of constant deprivation in my busy life.

lightness

oh, i forgot...

This weekend--Sunday evening--I was watching "Pan's Labyrinth" and I had an epiphany. While it was a great movie on many levels, the gory violence was unbearable to watch and seemed utterly unnecessary to the plot: for example, the extended sequence in which one man's head is bashed in with a wine bottle and another man is shot point-blank. I realized that it is really bad karma to have such a thing in my apartment. I have never had any stomach for violence and always cover my eyes--or in this case, leave the room--when it happens on screen. But even to have it at all in my home is repugnant to me. What really scares me is that I can imagine a crowd at a cinema watching all of this while blandly eating their popcorn. There is something scarily wrong about that.

So no more violent movies--hear that, Netflix?--for me. Ever. And one must be vigilant, because even in the most promising films directors seem to have developed an urge to portray the most gruesome things on-screen.

things I have been busy doing:

For lack of a more narrative post, I will submit this list. These are the various things that have been keeping me insanely busy, and busily insane, for the past few weeks.

1. teaching eight piano students
   
2. writing music for a production of "Le Petit Prince"
3. assembling the text for my choral commission
   
4. conducting an interview via email of a German composer living and working in Paris, for a literary/arts journal, to be published soon
5. going to the gym
6. writing college recommendations
   
7. trying to have a social life but not really succeeding
   
8. worrying that Rudy Guiliani could actually become president, and trying to figure out which country I will move to if that should happen
9. taking Mabel upstate which was wonderful until she rolled in some dead animal, coating her beautiful fur in the most nauseating slime
10. having trouble sleeping and feeling tired most of the time as a result
11. reading Colm Toibin's "The Master," a novel based on the life of Henry James
    

for your amusement

(no time for) reflection

mirror sky
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I don't mean that this is no time for reflection. Rather I mean that I have no time for reflection lately. My days are scheduled thoroughly. Wednesday I canceled my classes so that I could have a day to do some composing stuff and organizing that I had neglected for lack of time. I am happy with all my current obligations, but wish that I had my mornings back. Because I teach three mornings a week this year, I lose some of my most precious time. So I have taken to waking up at 530, to give me two good hours before I have to go direct my energies externally.

One nice thing: this morning I was thinking back on my life and the various things I have done, and I made one really positive conclusion. I have done well in all the major efforts I've made in my life. In my music, my past swimming career, my studies, my teaching; I've been successful on an objective level. Because I was thinking of how it would be to be a person who wasn't good at anything. My colleagues and I were discussing how some people just can't seem to find something that they are good at, and how frustrating it must be. And I realized that that has not been the case with me, and how lucky I am for that (and also how deeply I understand what hard work is).

What I am still lacking though is the confidence of having been successful on a subjective level, as in my own perspective. I still wish I were better. I wish I were a better artist, a better pianist, a better teacher, better organized in my life, better at my relationships. But I have the objective view to console me. I don't know about the relationship part, though. That is the toughest of all...

four colors

four colors
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

loud

loud
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Now I know that I have officially crossed a line, a line of age. Last night I went to see Morrissey at Hammerstein Ballroom. I love The Smiths and I think Morrissey is a great singer. But Hammerstein Ballroom has no seats on the main floor (which is where the ticket put me). And I cannot handle the volume, both of the sound, which was ear-splitting, and that of the crowd. At other shows there I have hung out on the periphery, but the people I was with wanted to be in the center of things, literally, and I was a victim of acute claustrophobia as people closed in on me from all sides. The decibel level made it impossible for me to really hear the music, even with my fingers in my ears. It all sounded like an undifferentiated roar. So what might have been a wonderfully fun evening turned into a kind of torture. I will know better next time. I should have left my friends and hung out in the far back, but I didn't want to feel like I was there alone. Oh well. No more auditorium concerts without earplugs, and no more standing for three hours. My knee is quite painful today.

When the music was not ear-splitting and I could actually hear, Morrissey sounded great. He really possesses one of the best voices in the history of popular music (as far as I am concerned) and it has not deteriorated over the years either. And his band was very tight.