Friday, March 04, 2005

let down

With my iPod, I can listen to Radiohead as loud as I want at any time without fear of disturbing the neighbors. So now "Let Down" is blasting in my ears, in all likelihood destroying my hearing, if it isn't already from years of playing in loud bands in my younger days. Next I will listen to "Creep." Then "Metal Firecracker" by Lucinda Williams.

This morning I googled the psychiatrist who first started me on antidepressants. She had left that hospital (Payne Whitney) for a while, which is why I stopped seeing her. But I am not doing so well with my current doctor, and I wonder if I could go back to her. I feel like she saved my life. I remember when I started taking zoloft and I was walking outside on a cool April day and I noticed that the sky was so blue, the air so gentle, and for the first time in many years I felt that there were things, ordinary things, that were safe and comforting. And I felt so relieved, that maybe I would be ok.

Of course all good things come to an end, and after a year and a half the medication stopped working and so I switched again. And that one, I think it was buproprion, worked for a few years and then stopped. Along the way there have been some disasters, like valproic acid. When I was taking it (for bipolar disorder) I felt like I was being poisoned. It was a feeling from deep inside, and it was horrible. And the worst of all was another antidepressant, remeron. I thought I would lose my mind. And I gained ten pounds in two weeks, although I was not eating any more than usual. I had concerts in Washington and Baltimore that one weekend, and I remember driving down there and feeling like at any moment I was just going to lose my grip. It was horrible, but I kept taking it because the doctor said "you have to give the medication time to work." Well, I didn't give that one time. I stopped taking it, because I didn't believe the doctor this time.

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