Friday, December 22, 2006

cave


cave
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have just been reading my blog entries from this time last year. It does not surprise me--although it troubles me--that I was in a very similar state then. My manic-depression was torturing me as it is now. I want to disappear until this tide passes. And I am doing stupid, self-defeating things. Last night I played a gig and then, finished, went home. I called Y. He was somewhat short with me on the phone; he was about to go to a meeting, but he didn't tell me that. He said he would call back. An hour later, having still not heard from him, I called again. No answer. I fell into some kind of irrational panic, or something, and kept calling and calling. Each time the call went to voice mail, and I felt as if I were being slowly overtaken by a huge tide, pulling me further away from rationality. Finally he called back, but he was pissed and didn't talk, just told me that he was in a meeting. I called him this morning and his voice and manner was so cold that I nearly shivered. And then, an hour or so later, he sent me an equally cold email. My behavior was ridiculous. And I knew it, on one hand, but I was powerless to control myself. I hate this. I feel, right at this moment, that I can't bear living like this anymore. And I hope, fervently, that this feeling will pass.

2 comments:

lodgerlow said...

"I have just been reading my blog entries from this time last year. It does not surprise me--although it troubles me--that I was in a very similar state then. My manic-depression was torturing me as it is now."

I wonder about the small cycles that we go through... alternating low and high moods. But I also wonder about the larger cycles wherein the low moods tend to coincide between years.

I always have a shit time between my birthday and Christmas. I reject the short days theory. I'm not suggesting that there is some higher entity deciding that this is the time of year that I will feel crap. Instead I wonder whether it is a pattern which I set myself? Do I, on some level, decide to end the year on a low?

I hear exactly what you are saying with respect to your reaction to Y's response. I see a paniced negative interpretation (jumping to negative conclusions). I do the same sort of thing, which causes me endless mental torture. I did the same when I was a teenager, and in that regard I have not matured at all. I'm wondering if looking at some stuff about CBT might help you learn more balanced responses? I suggest this because I am trying to do this.

However the question that needs to be asked is whether redefining the problems, and looking at alternative ways in which they could be interpreted and responded to... is something which works retrospectively? If I respond appallingly to a situation, will going home and working through a Thought Record sheet have any effect when you meet a similar situation again? It may though make you feel differently after it though, and not perpetuate the self-loathing and self-flagellation. Hmmm... self-flagellation... my favourite.

John said...

Someone has suggested that the notional jollity of Christmas time exacerbates depression for the people who - due to their depression - don't much feel like being jolly. And clearly it's a time of year when people feel very depressed. Apparently, it's the Samaritans busiest time.

At the risk of sounding facile, I hope your mood brightens and that you feel happier soon.