mid-week

I am settled into a nice pattern. I have made steady progress on my new piece, and am pleased with how it is going. It has a very open, even quality to it that is cropping up more and more in my work. The arrangements I just did for the CD by _________________ have met with utter happiness by the performers. Given the level of these performers (they are the very top rank) this is satisfying to say the least. I am getting used to a kind of solitude that I find very helpful for my ability to think and see and feel clearly. I realize that there are various patterns of thought that I allow myself that are not helpful to me, and there is no reason why I can't subtly shift these into a more productive direction.

As for solitude, I have been thinking a lot about those long stretches of my life where I was solitary, not in a relationship, not trying hard to meet expectations or to feel valued, and I was content then. I know that the turning point came when my mother died, and I became more anxious about solitude. It is time to recover and to be content again. Relationships make me very anxious, for reasons that I can identify clearly. I don't mean that all relationships do, but partner-type, the incessant need to be part of something larger than myself. But I am already a part of something much larger than myself on so many levels. I need to lighten up.

comfort

I am finding comfort in the sadness that has suffused my days. It brings back a feeling with which I am all too familiar. There is something warm and safe about sadness for me. I suppose it all goes back to my early days, when sadness seemed the normal state of things. In all the major events of my life--my father leaving, my mother's illness, her subsequent death, my isolation and loneliness in Chicago, the deaths of my Tuna and Pomona, deaths of dear friends, and now the latest episode--I feel like this is one emotion which I understand fundamentally and so it does not scare nor overwhelm me. But it does make me wish to crawl into bed and sleep endlessly. It makes me fear interaction with others. What would I say, since my voice is now just weak croak, and I don't think that I could force a smile.

return...

I have decided to post again. Sporadically, rather than frequently. I don't simply want to fill space. I want to occupy it with something of substance. Now that leaves me at a loss for words.

I have come to realize, in the last month or so, that to expect happiness is wrong, at least for me. I have had happiness, have basked in it, but it can't last. So I must look for it, or look AT it, differently. Change my expectations so that I won't question things so much.

But on many fronts I thrive. My work goes very well. Exciting projects are in the works. The stuff I have done recently has been met with tremendous enthusiasm, so much so that I am overwhelmed. And my little family is cuter and more wonderful than ever.