I am settled into a nice pattern. I have made steady progress on my new piece, and am pleased with how it is going. It has a very open, even quality to it that is cropping up more and more in my work. The arrangements I just did for the CD by _________________ have met with utter happiness by the performers. Given the level of these performers (they are the very top rank) this is satisfying to say the least. I am getting used to a kind of solitude that I find very helpful for my ability to think and see and feel clearly. I realize that there are various patterns of thought that I allow myself that are not helpful to me, and there is no reason why I can't subtly shift these into a more productive direction.
As for solitude, I have been thinking a lot about those long stretches of my life where I was solitary, not in a relationship, not trying hard to meet expectations or to feel valued, and I was content then. I know that the turning point came when my mother died, and I became more anxious about solitude. It is time to recover and to be content again. Relationships make me very anxious, for reasons that I can identify clearly. I don't mean that all relationships do, but partner-type, the incessant need to be part of something larger than myself. But I am already a part of something much larger than myself on so many levels. I need to lighten up.
1 comment:
-this is such an exciting thing i think.. to experience your own evolution as an artist.. that knowingness you describe here:
"It has a very open, even quality to it that is cropping up more and more in my work." -and i imagine audiences will respond as favorably as the performers
it's the kind of progress you can't help but feel and appreciate
and speaking of progress..
this ability to recognize counter-productive thoughts and subtly shift them -that's huge!-
as is healing from the premature and tragic loss of your mother, which i imagine is a lifelong and very layered process
and i so treasure solitude.. see it as such a healthy, necessary, wonderful thing
i regard high health as being able to experience comfort, peace, joy without -or- in a romantic relationship; and in that order
the healthier and more stable, complete we are alone; the stronger, healthier we are in companionship with another
great post! much love, ~s.
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