Thursday, December 15, 2005


Lodgerlow commented on my last post:

I used to do similar things (although I've never been a drinker). What to do? I have no idea, madabandon. I think the trick is to avoid the dips. For me this requires management, self-management, very tight self-management. But then you run the risk (oh watch me do this) of self-managing yourself into a low mood. The bitter twisted knot binding us ever more tightly to our adversary.

I do my very best to avoid the dips. What is so confounding is that no matter how hard I do try, I can only put off the inevitable for so long. I am very good at self-management, and I have managed my situation (bipolar am I) well enough to have a "normal" life. But I am not 100% successful. The holidays are the worst. It is when I am slammed in the face by the way my family has been splintered. Compound that with the fact that I am the "gay son," and the only one in my extended family, I start from a point of alienation. Hard to explain, maybe, and maybe hard for someone who is not in this same situation to understand. I do think, though, that any gay person would know exactly what I mean. It is hard even in the closest, most successful families. In a family like mine, things are already so dysfunctional that it just makes me feel even worse. F-ck. F-ck. F-ck.


Tristin said...

One of the most satisfying things for me when I'm feeling lost and lonely and f-ck f-ck f-ck f-ck is to get in my car and drive to my favorite lonely highway. I drive as fast as I dare and scream as loud as I can out the window, scream, scream, scream until I'm hoarse and it feels like my throat is going to bleed.

The way I've managed my depression is to allow myself the lows but honor myself by not lingering in them. Self-destruct in more self-nurturing ways. I'm still working on this, always will be.

Find a pillow, kick its ass and then fall asleep on it. Cry and then cut up a cold cucumber and rest them on your puffy eyes. Scream and then drink hot herbal tea with honey.

Tell yourself you are an amazing human being - - over and over and over...

John said...

Or watch a slideshow of your pictures at Flickr, and remind yourself, "I took those." Hope you feel better soon.

lodgerlow said...

I think I'd second John's suggestion. It's so elegantly simple.

I feel that you could do well reminding yourself that you are an exceptional person. The proof is all around you.