advice

Lodgerlow commented on my last post:

I used to do similar things (although I've never been a drinker). What to do? I have no idea, madabandon. I think the trick is to avoid the dips. For me this requires management, self-management, very tight self-management. But then you run the risk (oh watch me do this) of self-managing yourself into a low mood. The bitter twisted knot binding us ever more tightly to our adversary.

I do my very best to avoid the dips. What is so confounding is that no matter how hard I do try, I can only put off the inevitable for so long. I am very good at self-management, and I have managed my situation (bipolar am I) well enough to have a "normal" life. But I am not 100% successful. The holidays are the worst. It is when I am slammed in the face by the way my family has been splintered. Compound that with the fact that I am the "gay son," and the only one in my extended family, I start from a point of alienation. Hard to explain, maybe, and maybe hard for someone who is not in this same situation to understand. I do think, though, that any gay person would know exactly what I mean. It is hard even in the closest, most successful families. In a family like mine, things are already so dysfunctional that it just makes me feel even worse. F-ck. F-ck. F-ck.