Thursday, December 15, 2005



Oh how my mood sinks. Holiday break has begun; no teaching for three weeks. I should be happy. But instead I feel like a huge weight is pushing me down, making my feet drag. I just came from the gym, where I worked myself into near exhaustion, hoping that the endorphins would do their magic. No luck.

In past years, in my twenties, in college, when this happened it was easy to know what to do. I would drink scotch in quantities that alarm me now. I would smoke weed til I was choking from coughing. I would snort cocaine. I would "rage" as my friends called it. I was infamous for my wild behavior. I would stay up for days at a time, sleeping in fits, howling at the moon. I can no longer do such things, for many reasons, not the least of which being that it would kill me. So what do I do?


lodgerlow said...

I used to do similar things (although I've never been a drinker). What to do? I have no idea, madabandon. I think the trick is to avoid the dips. For me this requires management, self-management, very tight self-management. But then you run the risk (oh watch me do this) of self-managing yourself into a low mood. The bitter twisted knot binding us ever more tightly to our adversary.

Does the spiritual realm offer any possibilities, I wonder?

Tristin said...

I was also quite self-destructive in my teens/early 20s. Sometimes I'm surprised that I'm alive and healthy and survived it all. But there's something to be said for letting the hell loose. I'd suggest keeping busy, make plans, surround yourself with people who love you. Give to others. Live by the moment, linger in being present. Express yourself through your writing and music. It's fucking hard to walk the walk. But these things have helped me during those times where I am crawling to get out of my brain, my skin.