Originally uploaded by madabandon.
Every day I take my pills. In the morning I take my budeprion and sometimes, based on what I sense is the level of crazed energy inside me, I take half of a clonopin. Then at bedtime, another budeprion and my trazodone, without which I would never fall asleep. I have been taking one or another or all plus others in various combinations for about fourteen years. I don't really like to take pills and I find it difficult to keep track. But maybe they are just keeping the depressed energy petrified in some deep hidden crevasse of my brain, so that it will suffocate from a lack of bloodflow and ultimately die.
I have stopped the regimes at various times, with the cooperation of my doctors. But it never does what I expect. I feel strange for a while, then ok, and then my moods--ever erratic anyway--start to careen and veer precipitously from up to down.