Friday, March 02, 2007

sinking


morning fog
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Depression must be the price that we creative ones pay for our "gifts." So many artists/composers/writers that I have known have had this problem. The whirlwind of creativity that I enjoy periodically gives way, as it has now, to bleak darkness. I expend a great deal of energy keeping it together to teach and go through the day, but, as I have written before, it is exhausting, and it becomes harder and harder to do. I went to the gym, because exercise often helps. As I was walking home, up Atlantic Avenue toward the water, I thought that I might just keep walking, past the BQE, past the piers, into the harbor, and just keep going, straight toward the sun. The water must be freezing, and I would start to sink, but by that time the cold would have numbed me and I would simply fall asleep so that when I hit bottom I would not even be aware of it.

2 comments:

she said...

we had three days here like that picture of yours/thought i would lose my mind

saved! by some sunshine today and three pages of journaling

and yes about depression. i so appreciate how candid you are about it

what's your best trick for pulling yourself out? -or do you ride it out? know it will pass? are you currently yes or no w/meds?

at my worst: read the obituaries with such envy/doesn't matter how old the deceased person is, 8 or 80, i just think... "lucky"

at my best: notice everything. every. thing. and feel tremendous gratitude for the chance to be here on earth -and consider the odds: how many millions of sperm did not make the egg? how many embryos do not survive pregnancy/birth/infancy/youth/on and on..

then life starts to feel more valuable/purposeful/meaningful

what should i do with this rare/miraculous/brief opportunity?

and in between: too busy creating, living, writing, learning, growing and engaged in life to even have time for such thoughts; good or bad. (actually, that's when i'm at my best.. the other two should read:

at my worse worst, and
least worst.

~positive thoughts of and to you!~

about a boy said...

wow. i do that daily.