Saturday, July 19, 2008

normal

empire stores

When asked how I am I invariably respond with some variation on fine, good, busy, great or swamped with work. I never say "I am fundamentally depressed" or "I am exhausted by my depression." To do so would be most truthful, but I recognize that it is hardly socially acceptable. But lately it is the most accurate answer. On Thursday night I was on the verge of something and I called a small number of friends, trying to find a caring and receptive ear. It was a general failure, though the one person I reached at least gave me a pep talk. But it made me feel lonelier than ever. I don't know what the solution is. Depression is something people just don't want to hear about. I can't blame them; I am sick of it myself. I am trying acupuncture in the hope that this will help. Honestly, I am becoming desperate. But I am sure that today, should I venture out into the inferno, if anyone asks I will smile and say that I am fine, or good, or something like that.

2 comments:

she said...

there seems to be an art we all must learn for finding the write time and place to share our real lives..

i say those things myself, and hear them all the time

"good" "fine" "busy"

when i'm not -and i know others are not... divorces are going on in the background, illnesses, financial struggles, conflict, worry, despair

i think here again of anne lamott's philosophy; that really...

"everybody's in it up to here"

EVERBODY. when i read in this post it was hard at first to find a receptive ear, i think it could be for one of two reasons

the person already has too much on their own life plate and feels incapable of helping others when they are burdened by their own life struggles

or/and two

does not have the time or ability to listen to a problem/issue they cannot immediately fix

-but there's nothing i can do-

not realizing the healing value of listening and presence of friendship

certainly we cannot have deeper conversations (healing conversations!) in passing..

but it seems essential to life and good health, in fact -evolution!- that we DO find time for the deeper conversations

for sharing and listening

listening and sharing

a fundamental human need.

most of my own family/friends are all dealing with their own unique set of life challenges -and so i am careful not to add on. very selective

and because of this truth, i gravitate to my journal, my blog,

and feel a whole lot better for it.

-so i'm glad you did find a friend that offered up a pep talk

and i'm glad -VERY GLAD- you post these experiences

and i hope too, you enjoy results from the acupuncture

that veil of depression is a horrible one.. so deceiving..
unpenetratable at times

so medication too.. and sounds like (from email also), it might be time to make adjustments there again

and taking a risk here, i have not read one word from this website yet, but i'm compelled to share the url having just watched the author in an interview on local tv

the website is:
bipolaradvantage.com

if you visit it, i'd be curious if it speaks to your experiences or not?

praying for you now and in church today. love, ~s.

medusa said...

I am terrible at the basic social conventions because I find them endlessly annoying. For instance, it's Monday and everyone has to ask, "How was your weekend?" although they really don't care to know the answer, right? I sometimes wonder what they would say if I said, "it sucked, thanks," but instead I do the same as you, "good, fine, okay."

(I know this isn't what you are writing about, really, and I'm sorry I can't offer anything more constructive.)