Tuesday, July 22, 2008

waking up


Coming out of a bad depression is like waking up from a nightmare. Today for the first time I am starting to feel normal. I got up easily and went about my obligations with a sense of anticipation and pleasure, a fundamental change from the last ten days. This is typical of my cycle. Now I have to watch out that I don't swing too far in the other direction. Luckily I am so used to the symptoms of both poles that I think I will be ok. I am happy that things are looking up, and I hope this normal period lasts. I think part of it was that this time I didn't deny that I was struggling to my family and friends; if anything, my blunt statement of just how bad it was may well have been cathartic. Certainly my brother and sister both seem to understand more; and I got in touch with an old friend, someone I care for deeply and had hurt very badly in the past, and just that contact has given me some hope. And riding my bike is so much fun that I can't help but smile about it. One gift of depression is that it feels so good when it lifts.


she said...

on a less severe scale, i experience depression, and have had some taste of its unpenetratable veil

and when it passes.. it seems to happen on its own (like weather), and i am just left grateful

but i've also tried to help myself out.. play tricks on my own brain to stop the spiral

when this fails, i know to surrender completely, as you did this time around, and just co-exist and ride it out (but ten days is a long time!)

but sometimes.. something like what you've done here

a bike! a bike ride!

which not only is a great present moment sensation, from the purchase to the ride, but

great visual stimulation, great exercise -movement-


AND it triggers all these fond memories for you, which.. can help things spiral counterclockwise

the contact/honesty with siblings, and re-contact/repair of a wounded relationship

all seems worth noting and keeping in mind for future reference

also.. is there not a pattern when it comes to anniversary dates of your mom's birthday, or your mom's passing.. (or other tragedies/crisis experienced in life)

i have it in my head, that OUR BODIES -our whole bodies: mind and soul- REMEMBER dates we may ourselves have forgotten on a conscious level

and i don't necessarily mean specific dates.. exact days,

but dates..in the bigger picture.. like a season, weather, lighting. stimulation triggers like aromas, music.. environments

and without our conscious knowledge, these things can trigger depressions (?), with the depth, intensity, and longevity of that depression influenced by a variety of other stressors and biological factors

i'm very glad to see you make it through this recent darkness -i've been praying for you everyday

love, ~s.

madabandon said...

thank you. i truly appreciate it, and you are so right...