Monday, April 28, 2008

rusty


trolley
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

That's how I am feeling today, a little rusty and creaky. I woke yesterday with a bad sore throat. I still have it today, and I am feeling a little creaky in my joints and quite tired. I think that the crazy schedule that I maintained last week, actually for the last ten days or so, has taken its toll. Tonight I have to play a set with some pretty awesome musicians, and so I am just trying to reserve my energy for that. But all I really want to do is sleep.

Monday, April 21, 2008

home


messy bedroom (detail)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have been spending a lot of my time at home lately. During the week I have been so busy with work that when free time comes I have little desire to go out. And my steady upgrading of my apartment continues to make it an increasingly comfortable and peaceful place to be. I have just purchased a new coffee table from DWR. It's actually a bench, but makes a perfect coffee table and will look great in my place, since almost all my furniture is simple, modern, and made of wood. This is special because it is the first piece of furniture that I have ever paid full price for, having cobbled together some wonderful stuff from warehouse sales, the sidewalks of Brooklyn, hand-me-downs, and such. I have bought the Nelson Platform bench (made by Herman Miller). It is a truly beautiful piece, one that I have wished for for years, and I decided rather spontaneously that for once I will not even try to be frugal. It will arrive later this week, or early next.

Friday, April 18, 2008

a rolling stone gathers no...

rocks and moss

I am posting from my shiny new iMac. I bought it with part of the proceeds from my IRS refund. My old iMac was almost five years old!!! I of course was using my trusty MacBook more and more, but even that one is a few years old. This is a great computer. The large clear display is easy on my eyes.

The adage quoted in the post title certainly applies to me. I have been so incredibly busy lately that I hardly have time for much that is not scheduled. I don't mind a bit. Other than being tired, I feel like I am thriving. There have been some troubling issues in my personal life--worries and such--but they are balanced by my happiness with my work and the feeling that I am succeeding on a number of levels.

And when I do sit down to compose I do so with a sense of clarity and purpose that has long been hard to find.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

still


hanging
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I just heard one of my favorite sounds, one I don't hear very often. I live three blocks from New York Harbor. It is very foggy out right now. I just heard the low cry of a foghorn. I remember when I first moved to Brooklyn almost twenty years ago, and how, the first night I was in my apartment, even closer to the water than I am now, I heard them, and how exciting it was after four years in land-locked Chicago.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Who Am I?

  • I travel the world to find great indigenous ensembles. I bring them into a recording studio and capture them doing their thing.
  • I steal this work wholesale (although hopefully I pay the musicians well, and maybe give them royalties).
  • I can't write a decent melody so I create a kind of numbing patter-song over top of the ethnic music in which I have wrapped myself.
  • I release this as an album and the Starbucks-music crowd laps it up, buying hundreds of thousands of my recordings, allowing me to live in sumptuous style while enjoying a reputation as a pop-culture superstar.
  • my initials are P.S.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

mid-week

I am settled into a nice pattern. I have made steady progress on my new piece, and am pleased with how it is going. It has a very open, even quality to it that is cropping up more and more in my work. The arrangements I just did for the CD by _________________ have met with utter happiness by the performers. Given the level of these performers (they are the very top rank) this is satisfying to say the least. I am getting used to a kind of solitude that I find very helpful for my ability to think and see and feel clearly. I realize that there are various patterns of thought that I allow myself that are not helpful to me, and there is no reason why I can't subtly shift these into a more productive direction.

As for solitude, I have been thinking a lot about those long stretches of my life where I was solitary, not in a relationship, not trying hard to meet expectations or to feel valued, and I was content then. I know that the turning point came when my mother died, and I became more anxious about solitude. It is time to recover and to be content again. Relationships make me very anxious, for reasons that I can identify clearly. I don't mean that all relationships do, but partner-type, the incessant need to be part of something larger than myself. But I am already a part of something much larger than myself on so many levels. I need to lighten up.

fruit

Sunday, March 23, 2008

comfort

I am finding comfort in the sadness that has suffused my days. It brings back a feeling with which I am all too familiar. There is something warm and safe about sadness for me. I suppose it all goes back to my early days, when sadness seemed the normal state of things. In all the major events of my life--my father leaving, my mother's illness, her subsequent death, my isolation and loneliness in Chicago, the deaths of my Tuna and Pomona, deaths of dear friends, and now the latest episode--I feel like this is one emotion which I understand fundamentally and so it does not scare nor overwhelm me. But it does make me wish to crawl into bed and sleep endlessly. It makes me fear interaction with others. What would I say, since my voice is now just weak croak, and I don't think that I could force a smile.

bark series 4

Friday, March 21, 2008

return...

I have decided to post again. Sporadically, rather than frequently. I don't simply want to fill space. I want to occupy it with something of substance. Now that leaves me at a loss for words.

I have come to realize, in the last month or so, that to expect happiness is wrong, at least for me. I have had happiness, have basked in it, but it can't last. So I must look for it, or look AT it, differently. Change my expectations so that I won't question things so much.

But on many fronts I thrive. My work goes very well. Exciting projects are in the works. The stuff I have done recently has been met with tremendous enthusiasm, so much so that I am overwhelmed. And my little family is cuter and more wonderful than ever.

winter willows

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

goodbye for now

For a multitude of reasons large and small I have decided to end my blog here. It has been like my life: tumultuous, beautiful, scary, delirious, dull, intriguing...

So I say farewell.

Friday, February 15, 2008

happy birthday to me

This has been a terribly difficult and sad day. That's all I will say for now.

But this was my horoscope:

You can do no wrong when it comes to self-improvement and updating your life, looks and situation. Get together with people who stimulate your mind and can add to your progress. A serious commitment can be made.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

consumer

Since I got my new position I have taken care of some long-overdue upgrades to my home. I've already mentioned some here (the bed, for example). But today I received a small yet amazing item: a burr grinder for my coffee. You see, I love good coffee. I dislike bad coffee, and thus I drink most of my coffee at home. Note: Starbucks has lousy coffee, as any coffee afficionado can attest. In fact there seem to be fewer and fewer places to get really good coffee around here, or else my taste is becoming more snotty.

A burr grinder grinds the coffee evenly with creating the heat that dissipates the oils that give the coffee its flavor. The inexpensive blade grinders commonly sold create enough heat to substantially diminish the flavor of the coffee. Burr grinders are much more expensive, but I got a good deal on a highly-rated Capresso grinder through Amazon.com. I just used it for the first time, with some beans I bought the other day at Porto Rico Coffee Importers, a fine source with a few small shops in Manhattan. The aroma of freshly ground coffee fills my apartment, and I am drinking a latte (I have a good pump espresso machine, a gift from Y a few years ago). There is no comparison between pre-ground and freshly-ground coffee. If you are a guest of mine, I will make you some.

And just to report further: although I am not sleeping any more than I used to, I am sleeping much more soundly on my new bed. So when I wake up I feel like I have slept. My back does not hurt. It is amazing.

I am happy these days in a way that I have not been in a long time. I feel like things have come together for me on many levels, and I have an energy and confidence that supports me solidly. I intend to enjoy it and prosper from it in my music and my teaching and my friendships.

Monday, February 11, 2008

progress


Self-Portrait Walking
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

School is closed this week. I will attend to my choral piece. I aim to finish the first movement by the weekend. I am well on my way. It is also my birthday week: my birthday is on Friday. I don't have big plans. In fact, I have few plans at all. Every year school is closed on my birthday. This is good and bad. It's good because it is a special treat for birthday-time. It's bad because I don't get birthday wishes from colleagues. Out of sight, out of mind. But at my age I don't really care much about birthday celebrations.

I have been sleeping so much better on the new bed. The old bed was uneven and flimsy. This new bed is so solid that my mattress feels completely different. I sleep more soundly and my back does not hurt when I wake up. I should have done this years ago.

I went to Tekserve yesterday and had more RAM installed in this computer (my MacBook). Now it is quite speedy. I have 1.25G now rather then the original 512K. It makes quite a difference, especially when I am using sound editing applications.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

green


green leaves
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

The average New York City resident produces 7.1 metric tons of greenhouse gases a year. The average American produces 24.5 metric tons of greenhouse gases a year. According to the NEW YORK TIMES, suburban living is not sustainable. No kidding.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

upgrade

I continue to upgrade my apartment furnishings. This morning I drove to Secaucus once again to visit the DWR Annex. They were having a sale on bedroom furniture and my plan for this winter break (which began yesterday) is to get a new bed. And I did. I got a bed (the min bed, it's called, very simple metal minimalist-looking frame, low to the ground). I got the little Eames wire table to place books on next to the bed. And I got this organizer that I've admired for a while; it attaches by balancing so that it hangs from the glass top of this desk. And all I spent was 600+ dollars. Given that I was going to buy a $1000 bed as plan B, I did quite well. And I finished assembling the bed an hour or so ago. It is awesome, and my bedroom looks much much sleeker.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

strange realization

Yesterday I wandered around West Chelsea going to galleries. I didn't see much that was inspiring but for two sculpture pieces, part of a group show at Luhring Augustine. One was by Mario Merz, and was a huge wall hanging with wire and lavender neon, very beautiful and ethereal. The other, by Pier Paolo Calzolari, also used neon along with leather, rusted steel, and a machine that froze sections of the steel so that they were incased in shimmering frost. It was tucked away in the back room, a bit hard to find, but well worth it.

Walking downtown Y. began to film me with his video camera. He trailed about twenty feet behind me. We did this all the way down to the West 4th St. station, pausing of course for various stops. I bought a belt. We stopped at the Maison Martin Margiela store, a particular favorite, although I never can afford the stuff in there. I did some grocery shopping at Chelsea Market. Later that evening, watching the videos after he downloaded them, I realized for the first time in my life just how compromised my eyesight is. The image captured what someone walking behind me would see. But I was shocked: because of my right eye, my field of vision is cut off. I asked Y, while watching, if the wide angle of the area in front of the camera was similar to what he saw. It was. This confirmed for me that I don't really see much to my right. To the left I have a normal scope, but things on the right are cut off. So instead of having a roughly 180-degree field of vision, mine is more like 110 degrees, and not symmetrical. I don't see the world the way most people do. Well, I already knew that, at least philosophically, but the video made it concrete. And it's no wonder that I walk into things and people as often as I do. And it makes me think that maybe I shouldn't drive at all.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

coincidence?

I used to get a daily horoscope via e-mail. Suddenly they stopped arriving; I had forgotten all about it (in fact I hadn't noticed at all) until just now, when this one arrived:
Give everything you do your all and you will be successful. Your ability to be aggressive and stick to your game plan will be too much for any competition. Get involved in something you believe in and you will make a lasting contribution.
Interesting timing.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The "Real" New York

So yesterday I had one of those experiences that excite people who don't live in New York. And actually, to tell the truth, they excite those of us who live here when they happen so unexpectedly. I had made a quick stop at a store in Tribeca where I have been buying clothes for some time now. They have a twisted-preppy slant that suits me. It is a small store, and the only customers at that time were me and Julianne Moore. Of course, we who live here practice the art of ignoring celebrities, and I did my part. But she is one of my favorite actresses and I did quietly enjoy being in her presence for the twenty minutes that I was there. She is shorter than I thought, which is usually the case. I always think actors and actresses must be tall. Who knows where I got that from.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

tangles


blue green
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am learning a lot these days. I am enjoying it. I get restless when my mind is not challenged. As a kid in school I used to finish my work far ahead of my classmates most of the time, and in the ensuing boredom would usually get myself into trouble. It was only in the third grade that I had a teacher that recognized that I was bored, not bad; she made sure to always have more work for me; she celebrated my creativity and I still remember that year of school because I was so happy. Miss Bonner. I wonder what happened to her. She was a great teacher.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

self-portrait

hand foot knee and shadow

nasty man

I can't believe how any thinking person could possibly want Rudy Giuliani to be president. If one simply takes a look at his time as mayor it is amply evident that he is a fascist tyrant who makes G. Bush look like Santa Claus.

Monday, January 21, 2008

To Mr. Hugh Masakela

Dear Mr. Masakela,

I love the energy and passion of your work. It is inspiring.

But there is one thing that bothers me. It is impossible to make a great piece of music from two chords that repeat again and again.

It is "Zeno's Paradox" in sound. But it adresses something too subjective (greatness) for the analogy to work perfectly. Greatness does not equal distance.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

energized

I am feeling energetic and excited about my prospects lately. The thing is, I usually receive enough positive reinforcement in my composing work: performances, commissions, and the like, so that I don't feel unsure of myself in that arena (although I always feel unsure of my work on a personal level, for how else would I be able to grow?). But in my work as an educator the accolades are few and far between, despite the fact that I have an excellent reputation and many happy students and parents and colleagues to make me feel my work is appreciated. But with this new position, I finally feel secure that my work over the years has led somewhere, to a position of higher visibility and "status" and, most importantly, a chance to actually shape this institution, one that I love so much and to which I have devoted years of time and energy. I won't write more about this, in all likelihood. But the school where I teach is quite well known, has an august reputation in the education world, and is so far seemingly invincibly hip and desirable as a place to be educated and a place to educate. So when I look back on my life from this vantage point, I am surprised and thrilled to have ended up where I am now. And if you had told me, when I was a kid, that this is where I would be, I would not have believed you.

So I am in good spirits. I am throwing myself into my work with even more energy and passion. Things are good. I feel energized by the recognition of my peers. I feel confident in my ability to do this new job excellently and to hold myself to the highest standard.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

neurotic

This morning, walking across the street to the car, I dropped my new orange phone. It fell hard on the asphalt, the impact opening it to expose the hidden keyboard that I love so much. For the rest of the day I have been obsessed with my phone's new scars. It was perfect, unsullied. Now it is scarred. However it works perfectly still despite being flying out of my hands and surviving a crash landing. A woman at Verizon (tech support; I could not figure out how to transfer my contact list from the website to the new phone) whom I spoke with on the phone remarked, unprovoked, that she had the same phone and she has dropped it a numerous times and she loves it and it's great. But I am very neurotic, and wish I could trade it in for a brand new one. So being the neurotic nerd that I secretly am, I just ordered a silicone case for it, transparent so the handsome orange still charms.

I went to the DWR Annex for a big sale, and bought a new dining table, very nice, at a huge discount (from $900 to $200; can't beat that). It extends to seat eight, but is infinitely adjustable within the limits of its dimensions. And another shaker chair, this one bright red. And another Kartell storage cylinder thing, bright red lacquer. Cool. I have just finished getting rid of numerous things in my process of ridding myself of things. I had Y urging me on. He is ruthless, but it is what I need.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

multiply me


video installation by gary hill at MOMA
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I woke up last night at 3am, wide awake, my mind racing. I am excited about my new situation. I will be engaged in teaching in a very different way. I won't be teaching as much, either, which is good. I needed a change, and this is very much of one, while at the same time I am not going to another school. And all of this is quite unexpected.



On a more mundane note, my lovely Nokia phone died this morning. I could not turn it on. The screen would light up and then quickly shift to an interesting striped pattern and then go dark. I thought maybe it was the battery, so I changed it (I have an extra) and even charged it up. Still nothing. I went to the Verizon store. Dead, they proclaimed. So I had no choice. Funny that just yesterday I was thinking that in June I would be eligible for a big discount on a new one. I must have jinxed myself. I am somewhat cursed when it comes to phones. Most of the ones I have had--and I have had a number of them, going all the way back to 1997 or so--have died. But this new one has a real QWERTY keypad. I like text messaging but I hate doing it on a numeric keypad. And plus my new phone is orange.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

machinations


factory
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

A lot is new. One potentially disastrous situation involving a close relative turns out to be much less severe than it might have been. And some very big changes professionally which are exciting and came as a big surprise. I won't mention it again in this post. It is a big decision, the one I must make. I think I have already decided, but I want to mull it over for a day or so.

So my brain has been engaged in constant motion since midday. I was not expecting today to be at all intense, but that's not the way that it has turned out.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

circus dog


circus dog
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Here is Mabel in a rare action shot. Not that she rarely does this. In fact she is full of tricks. But I don't carry a camera around with me. Or maybe I do (the one on my phone) but it does not take good enough photos to interest me.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

hucka-who?

It would be awesome if Mike Huckabee wins the Republican nomination. That way there is no way that a Democrat could possibly lose the general election. The guy is a freak.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Saturday, December 29, 2007

smile

mad man

I've been in a good mood lately, which is great, since usually the holidays get me down. Last evening I met Y at the Guggenheim to see the Richard Prince show, which I found entirely underwhelming. Why is this guy given a huge show when there are so many great artists out there? We arrived at separate times, and Y didn't have his phone, so it was interesting trying to find each other in the large crowd. But we did. And later we ate dinner at a new Vietnamese restaurant that has opened in my neighborhood. It was good, which is exciting; my neighborhood has too many mediocre restaurants so I hope this one is a keeper.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

my teacher was a genius...

My brother called me this evening to tell me about this article on the front page of the NY TIMES' Arts section today.

I feel so proud for Ralph, and I feel so lucky for having known him as I did. He was a great artist, a deep intense man with an overflowing heart and an extraordinarily prickly personality. He had no patience with fools or bureaucracy or convention. My life would not be what it is today had I not gome to Chicago to study with him.

Monday, December 24, 2007

formalism


malevich
Originally uploaded by madabandon.



Growing up--when my parents were still together-- my family was formal, especially in comparison to just about every other family I knew then. We always ate dinner together at the large table in the family room, the brick massive fireplace behind us. We sat down when we called to the table, and we could not leave until we were excused. We had courses. Something first, then the main part of the meal, then dessert. My parents discussed their respective days. My dad would give blow-by-blow recitations of his court battles (at that time he was head of litigation at a very proper-and-prestigious old Philadelphia law firm, making very good money and enjoying professional success). My mom would talk about the horses and how her work with them was going. We were asked about school. We were not to interrupt, and we used proper grammar of my mother would gently correct us. I often misbehaved. I was the rebel middle child, the eccentric, and often I would be sent from the table because I would get fidgety and mischievous.

Now at the holidays, when we give gifts to one another, there is a different kind of formalism but I chafe against it too. I would prefer if we all just gave random gifts at random times but that I know is odd to most people, if an attractive idea. Just not practical for most. But since we do it in such a proper way, with many inquiries about wish lists and such, I go along. I do not ask people what they want, though, preferring to pick something myself. I consult with my brother and sister about gifts for my father and stepmother, although this year I just acted independently.

But to make a long ramble short, my brother gave me a turntable with which I can convert my LPs to mp3 and store them on my network. This is a great idea. I have many records, though sadly in my long years sans turntable I sold some of the best, especially my jazz imports. But I still have a lot of mid-century high modernism, the stuff I breathed in college and graduate school, and so now I am listening, traveling back in time to Hyde Park on the south side of Chicago, where the long gray winter kept me inside, listening for hours in my shabby but comfortable studio room with the huge bay windows...I had a huge apartment for $500 a month, two large bedrooms, huge living room, huger dining room (that was my work-studio) and a kitchen with a pantry. It was all quite run down but I was a student and I thought it was wonderful. In midwinter the snow would drift in through the leaking window sashes in the living room so that I would find snow drifts in the corners, several inches thick.

But LPs on vinyl sound amazingly better than digital media. There is a glassiness and perfection in digital that somehow misses the warmth and physicality of beautiful instrumental sound, especially in acoustic music (classical, jazz, mostly). I will never live without a turntable again, and I will start buying records as I used to, voraciously.

Friday, December 21, 2007

looking up



Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Things in the composing department have been revving up. In the past two weeks I have received some surprises, all good. One piece is going on a European tour. Another is going to be performed at the Monadnock Music Festival in New Hampshire this summer. This is a wonderful festival that draws some of the best performers from NYC and Boston. Two of my pieces were just featured on minimalmusic.org, a website featuring new music of many genres. This is all good. And now I have a decently long break from teaching during which I hope to make real headway on the tabla/choral piece. I hope the gray, soulful winter sky remains; it seems to bring out the best in my imagination. No wonder I was drawn, perversely, to Chicago.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

equanimity

I am on edge these days. The stress of having too much to do plus the other concerns that have been stressing me are, in combination, enough to put me on a path to collapse. Luckily the holiday break is fast approaching and soon I will have some time to rest, I hope. And to compound things, I am feeling troubled: some people, important people in my life, have been letting me down. You see, it is natural for me to help those I care for; I have a kind of helpful nature--why else would I be drawn to teaching--that I rarely question. But of course, when one helps others, one also hopes that those others would return the favor if a situation arose. And I have been let down. And this saddens me and also makes me feel foolish. But so often this is true: those who give are often taken for granted. The recipient of the kindness, if the kindness is ongoing, possibly begins to feel that this is just how things are, and that there is no obligation to do the same in turn. So once again, my idealism begins to seem naive, and I am left alone to fend for myself. I wonder why I do this to myself.

Friday, December 14, 2007

thyme


thyme
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am buried under a pile of work. Not only do I have two pieces weighing heavily on my mind, but I am writing student evaluations. I can only write a few at a time, because I try very hard to be thorough and precise in my language, and it takes a lot of concentration. Now of course if I spent half as much time actually doing the things I have to--rather than thinking about how much I have to do--I would be finished by now. But this has always been my habit. Somehow, in the state of carrying this constant burden, my little brain works out the issues so that when I come around to do the work, it comes easily.

There is also a lot going on in my non-work life. My aunt--my mom's much younger sister, to whom I am quite close--is facing some serious medical issues. This is bringing back very clearly the memories of my mother's illness, and so while I am very concerned and am in daily contact with her (she lives in southern Florida, near Miami) the situation is creating a great deal of anxiety for me. It does not help that her own kids are utterly selfish and self-absorbed and seem neither capable nor willing to put their own stuff aside to help their mother (even though neither of them works, since they are quite wealthy and spend all their time spending their money).

So it is no wonder I have not been sleeping well and that my general state is more tense than I would like. But to combat that I am soon off to the gym to work myself into exhaustion, which is one of the only things that helps me get my head together.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Saturday, November 24, 2007

quiet

orange

This tree stands just in front of my brother's house along the Delaware River.

Thanksgiving was fun, a somewhat raucous and hedonistic affair. I don't usually drink but my brother's partner (I refuse to call her girlfriend because she is a woman, not a girl) made cranberry daquiris upon my arrival, and I indulged just enough to get a pleasant buzz but not a headache nor a hangover. The food was great; my vegetables were a huge hit--I made brussels sprouts which will change any hater's mind in an instant; they have never failed--and roasted carrots (with garlic, rosemary and thyme, and baked butternut squash with coconut oil, dried cane juice and salt and pepper. There were like five different pies all made by C (brother's partner) and a very nice turkey (all organic of course) and much wine also.

My nephews, the two younger ones, were a bit wild (lots of running and high decibels which threatened to take my sanity) but they enjoyed themselves, clearly.

Today I installed a new light fixture in the kitchen (not an easy task but successful with some crucial assistance from Y who is far better at such things than I) and cleaned.

I have been quite irritable lately which I think is a symptom of some classic hypomania which I am keeping under control by breathing, a little clonazepam and a little weed. So far so good, but not without some stress to those around me.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

mr ham

This is Hammy. He is the best. And he's gotten quite big. I think he might be almost as big as Mr. Tuna...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

happy


Originally uploaded by madabandon.

In two days, or actually less than two days, I will go to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving. I am going to my brother's house--he lives in Manhattan, but bought a house on the Delaware River a few years back--where my family will gather along with friends of mine and my brother's girlfriend. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, the only holiday I really enjoy.

I am happy because I have a little break from the hectic schedule that I have been maintaining the last two months. I am always busy lately. Even my composing time is tightly scheduled. And I need a break. So tomorrow I will stay home, cooking, relaxing, perhaps going to the gym but maybe not...I plan to enjoy my down time. Because it will be over all too soon. And I want to sleep. A lot, if possible. But I know that I will be lucky if I can sleep any more than usual, because sleep seems to be the source of constant deprivation in my busy life.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

oh, i forgot...

This weekend--Sunday evening--I was watching "Pan's Labyrinth" and I had an epiphany. While it was a great movie on many levels, the gory violence was unbearable to watch and seemed utterly unnecessary to the plot: for example, the extended sequence in which one man's head is bashed in with a wine bottle and another man is shot point-blank. I realized that it is really bad karma to have such a thing in my apartment. I have never had any stomach for violence and always cover my eyes--or in this case, leave the room--when it happens on screen. But even to have it at all in my home is repugnant to me. What really scares me is that I can imagine a crowd at a cinema watching all of this while blandly eating their popcorn. There is something scarily wrong about that.

So no more violent movies--hear that, Netflix?--for me. Ever. And one must be vigilant, because even in the most promising films directors seem to have developed an urge to portray the most gruesome things on-screen.

Monday, November 12, 2007

things I have been busy doing:

For lack of a more narrative post, I will submit this list. These are the various things that have been keeping me insanely busy, and busily insane, for the past few weeks.
  1. teaching eight piano students
  2. writing music for a production of "Le Petit Prince"
  3. assembling the text for my choral commission
  4. conducting an interview via email of a German composer living and working in Paris, for a literary/arts journal, to be published soon
  5. going to the gym
  6. writing college recommendations
  7. trying to have a social life but not really succeeding
  8. worrying that Rudy Guiliani could actually become president, and trying to figure out which country I will move to if that should happen
  9. taking Mabel upstate which was wonderful until she rolled in some dead animal, coating her beautiful fur in the most nauseating slime
  10. having trouble sleeping and feeling tired most of the time as a result
  11. reading Colm Toibin's "The Master," a novel based on the life of Henry James

Friday, November 09, 2007

Friday, November 02, 2007

(no time for) reflection


mirror sky
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I don't mean that this is no time for reflection. Rather I mean that I have no time for reflection lately. My days are scheduled thoroughly. Wednesday I canceled my classes so that I could have a day to do some composing stuff and organizing that I had neglected for lack of time. I am happy with all my current obligations, but wish that I had my mornings back. Because I teach three mornings a week this year, I lose some of my most precious time. So I have taken to waking up at 530, to give me two good hours before I have to go direct my energies externally.

One nice thing: this morning I was thinking back on my life and the various things I have done, and I made one really positive conclusion. I have done well in all the major efforts I've made in my life. In my music, my past swimming career, my studies, my teaching; I've been successful on an objective level. Because I was thinking of how it would be to be a person who wasn't good at anything. My colleagues and I were discussing how some people just can't seem to find something that they are good at, and how frustrating it must be. And I realized that that has not been the case with me, and how lucky I am for that (and also how deeply I understand what hard work is).

What I am still lacking though is the confidence of having been successful on a subjective level, as in my own perspective. I still wish I were better. I wish I were a better artist, a better pianist, a better teacher, better organized in my life, better at my relationships. But I have the objective view to console me. I don't know about the relationship part, though. That is the toughest of all...

Monday, October 29, 2007

Sunday, October 28, 2007

loud


loud
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Now I know that I have officially crossed a line, a line of age. Last night I went to see Morrissey at Hammerstein Ballroom. I love The Smiths and I think Morrissey is a great singer. But Hammerstein Ballroom has no seats on the main floor (which is where the ticket put me). And I cannot handle the volume, both of the sound, which was ear-splitting, and that of the crowd. At other shows there I have hung out on the periphery, but the people I was with wanted to be in the center of things, literally, and I was a victim of acute claustrophobia as people closed in on me from all sides. The decibel level made it impossible for me to really hear the music, even with my fingers in my ears. It all sounded like an undifferentiated roar. So what might have been a wonderfully fun evening turned into a kind of torture. I will know better next time. I should have left my friends and hung out in the far back, but I didn't want to feel like I was there alone. Oh well. No more auditorium concerts without earplugs, and no more standing for three hours. My knee is quite painful today.

When the music was not ear-splitting and I could actually hear, Morrissey sounded great. He really possesses one of the best voices in the history of popular music (as far as I am concerned) and it has not deteriorated over the years either. And his band was very tight.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Dumb(o): loathe vs. love


building
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

For all its beautiful views of Manhattan and its lovely parks, Dumbo is really a horrible neighborhood. I went there both Saturday and Sunday, to buy baguettes at Almondine, an awesome French bakery on Water Street. It is believed to have the best baguettes in NYC, and while I am no expert, I do believe it. However the neighborhood sucks. It is filled with RWBs, as I call them: Rich White Boring folks. Dumbo is an artificial neighborhood, one that was created all at once by a few real estate developers. The artists who once inhabited the loft buildings are largely gone, with only a stubborn few hanging on. There was no gradual gentrification, and there is no diversity as a result. The apartments there cost a fortune. So there you have it. A lot of wealthy families with kids (the apartments, lofts mostly, are large) and some Eurotrash sprinkled in for a little variety. I feel very uncomfortable there. It is not the New York I love. It is the "new" New York, which I am beginning to loathe. So I went there, bought my baguettes and pastry, and fled home. Compared to Dumbo, even Brooklyn Heights looks like "the `hood."

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

swamp(ed)


wetlands
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have not posted in over a week. This is partly because I find myself swamped with work; suddenly I am in great demand, and I can barely keep my head on straight fulfilling all my obligations. This is good for my bank account and for my mental health, because I am so busy that I don't have time to let myself sink into the morass of my depression. Instead I become a hypomanic bundle of energy, and then collapse each night, exhausted. But I still am having a horrid time sleeping and I am wracked with disturbing, often-awful dreams that ruin my nights, leaving me more exhausted still.

And part of my silence is because I have been confronting a lot of things from the past, and having some startlingly vivid memories which have caused a lot of pain in me. I have made realizations that are agonizing. I have rarely felt so completely alone. I realize that I have only the scantest of support systems. Part of this is my fault. I am a typical Aquarian: aloof, often remote, hard to get to know. And I have had to make the sad realization that my family, as I have written of previously, is neither able or willing to help me. So I retreat into my work, my ferocious exercise (which is a true boon to my health; my last cholesterol level was 166!!), and try to maintain a positive attitude, because I am walking a tightrope and it would be very easy for me to fall, and I can't afford to fall right now.

But I truly appreciate the comments from those who have shown concern and sent their good wishes my way. It means a lot to me...

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

with a family like mine...

Two weeks ago or so, my sister called me. She asked me how I was. Normally I just say I am fine and we have a fairly insubstantial conversation. This time, I took a risk. I told her that my depression was very bad and that I was not doing so well. I have not heard from her since.

In my family it is best to pretend all is well all the time. Neither my brother, sister, and especially my father, can deal with any other kind of answer. It's no wonder that my depression persists. The very mention of it scares people off. Oh well. It's not like I am not used to that.

But I am doing better, bit by bit. It helps that I am excruciatingly busy and will only get more busy. I just got a big commission. It is an exciting project and $$$ also. But I must finish it, at least in some form, by March or so.

Monday, October 08, 2007

at the movies

I had Almodovar's most recent film, Volver, sitting on my desk for weeks courtesy of Netflix. So finally last night I watched it. It was--is--magnificent. Almodovar, to my mind, is one of the absolute masters of film. There is such humanity in his work, and such deep emotional worlds are portrayed with panache, visual flair, and sensitivity that it is breathtaking. I was in tears repeatedly. The acting was magnificent. And what I love so much about his work are the brilliant, almost comic, colors. They are saturated, glowing with the intensity of the drama unfolding. And he conveys his story, one of almost epic tragedy, with a kind of unselfconscious ease that towers over any Hollywood director that I know of, at least of the current crop. American films, the "serious" ones, are so overbearing, so exaggerated, that they are more implausible than moving. So if you have not seen this one, please do so. You won't regret it.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Friday, September 28, 2007

side effects

Budeprion SR makes me nauseous and destroys my appetite so that eating become a chore rather than a pleasure. This is unfortunate. I feel somewhat less down, but I can't claim that I am not depressed still. I have to give it time.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

celebrities

I know that many people would be thrilled to have George Clooney and John Malkovich and all the dozens of film-production serfs right outside the door, but I just want them to go away.

Although yesterday was Mabel's birthday, and when I took her out for her midday walk there were paparazzi and celebrity-gawkers festooned all around the walkway and front of my building* and I think Mabel thought everyone was there to see her.

*my building is unusual; to enter one walks through an arched gate with a gas lamp and through a rather nice garden fronted by a low brick wall. There is a columned portico and three sets of doors, french doors flanking a big central one

Monday, September 24, 2007

definitions


winter trees
Originally uploaded by madabandon.
Chronic depression is a cruel and thoughtless affliction. Let me put it this way: I am a highly educated, articulate, artistic person who has achieved a successful career as a composer. I have never gone for long without a commission of some sort, and have won some of the most prestigious honors in my art. I have a teaching position at one of the finest schools in the country. I love teaching. I am always happy to be engaged with my students and my colleagues. I work with numerous highly intelligent, accomplished people who are lively, passionate about their work, and humanistic in their values. I am blissfully free of dealing with a large part of the world that I find incomprehensible, those armies of high capitalists and all the greed and evil that they inspire. I stay free of the inanities of pop culture. I live in a nice apartment in a beautiful part of one of the world's great cities. I have wonderful pets whom I love more than anything. I have wonderful friends, people I dearly love. I have my family, sort of. I am in excellent shape--I exercise like a fiend-- and good health. I am not wealthy, but I have never cared much at all about money beyond that necessary to fulfill my basic, and relatively simple, needs.


And yet, no matter how often I remind myself of all of these things, I still feel, every single day for the last several months, a choking kind of despair and hopelessness that threatens my existence. Go figure.

But one thing occurs to me, a partial cause. I am in despair about the world. There is so much inhumanity, so much violence, intolerance, cruelty, and suffering, and it is impossible for me to numb myself to it, even if I wanted to. I feel like I myself don't do enough about it. Maybe this will lead me somewhere. I don't know yet.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

so what else is new?

tomorrow's horoscope:
You'll be emotional, original and unique in the way you do things and that will be your saving grace. A look at your lifestyle and a desire to get further ahead can lead to a new beginning. It won't be so daunting once you begin.
I don't know about the new beginning part, but the first sentence is certainly true.

Monday, September 17, 2007

circling back


ceiling at the met museum
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

When I started my blog I thought of it as a way of expressing things that I did not address in my own art. Music, in its abstraction, does not pose concrete, specific issues. It is only metaphor, and exactly what a given piece is a metaphor "of" is utterly subjective. Photography and prose, on the other hand, use language that we share collectively. So I began. But now I feel like I have used up my capacity for this kind of expression, at least for the time being. So I will enter a state of semi-retirement. I will post pictures, perhaps write occasionally, but will no longer make the blog an ongoing, current artifact of my life. My depression has returned, big-time, and I need to focus my energies now on getting through my days and doing the things I need to do to keep composing and playing and teaching. This is not an end, but just a new approach.

But I will keep reading the blogs that I have come to enjoy and I will update here from time to time. I just need a rest. A well-earned rest.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

chilly


first snow (2)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

It's cold out. It's all relative, of course. By absolute standards it is not cold at all. But compared to one week ago it feels freezing. I love it. I am no fan of summer's heat and especially the noxious humidity that we for most of last week. So when I walked Mabel this morning I felt my spirits lift a bit. I love autumn, and today is the first day in a long while where the promise of autumnal charms is abundant.

Friday, September 14, 2007

cleaning up


messy bedroom (detail)
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I am trying to spend the next few days organizing. I feel like the school year started while I was still napping. How could this be, when I knew it was coming? But somehow my head, despite my best intentions, was not where it might have been. But school has been closed yesterday and today--for Rosh Hashana--and I am using the time to prepare. Many times I have felt overwhelmed by it all and just tried to escape in sleep, but I can't sleep lately so that this is a strategy doomed to fail. I am feeling that maybe I have to go back on my antidepressants. I have come to terms with the fact that the depression is not disappearing; while my head is clearer since I stopped them in June--my memory is better--those benefits are negated by the return of dark thoughts, intractable bad mood, the desire for nothingness. I just don't know what to do, but I have to make a decision soon. I need to function well in the coming weeks, and the way I feel now I think it would take some superhuman effort to make it happen. Wish me luck.

The most important thing, in deciding, is to try to be objective. What do I stand to gain? What will I lose? I will make a list.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

in the `hood


orange, brick and rust
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Directly across the street the Coen brothers (of FARGO and more) are making a film. I sit on the stoop of the house weekly as I sit with my car on Wednesday afternoons. This film stars Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Frances McDormand. I don't much care about the first two, but I absolutely love Frances McDormand. She's awesome. Films are shot in Brooklyn Heights frequently, but most of the time I don't much care. But the proximity of this one, and the fact that one of my favorites actresses is going to be here, even has me, usually unimpressed by such things, a little bit thrilled.

Mabel has already charmed the crew that is working there; they will be here for weeks. Perhaps she will charm them so much that I can meet Frances, or better yet, Mabel can meet her. There are few who can resist Mabel's charms...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

a few more...

There are a few things that still haunt me, though, from 9-11-01. One: sirens. It seemed that for days there were sirens wailing non-stop, all day and all night. It became a constant background. They went on and on. They sounding like screaming.

And since I was at home when it all happened, not due to teach until later in the day, I decided--after the towers collapsed--to run to the school, to help. I could not call anyone; neither my home phone nor my mobile worked. I saw masses of people, fleeing Manhattan, walking through the streets (when you leave lower Manhattan via the Brooklyn Bridge you end up in my neighborhood). One man stands out in my memory: South Asian, covered head to toe in ash, he asked me where he was. He had no idea. He thought he was in Bay Ridge.

And there was the smoke and dust. The air was acrid, for weeks it seemed. The wind blew directly from the site of the WTC across the Hudson to Brooklyn Heights. In this neighborhood we were undoubtedly exposed, for days on end, to toxic dust. I remember it coated the buildings, the windows, and the cars parked on the street.

But the oddest thing of all is that as I stood on my roof watching the second plane hit, and then the towers collapse, it all seemed to happen in silence. I have no recollection of any sound.

memory


blue night
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Today it is raining hard off and on. I just got soaked on a short errand, as the skies opened up just as I set out, and in two minutes the hurtling rain, accompanied by crashing thunder, bombarded me. It is a vastly different day than the one six years ago, which was dry and bright and clear, the sky a brilliant blue.

The rain makes this 9-11 feel utterly unlike that tragic day. My memories are incredibly vivid, but the unsettled feeling that stuck with me for a long time has largely lifted. I take in stride the not-infrequent bomb scares, cordoned-off streets, crowds of office workers from some evacuated building. And I actually miss the feeling of unity that was so strong after 9-11-01. NYC has become even more stratified; the greedy people seem even greedier; the creative class has largely been forced out, replaced by Wall-streeters, lawyers, and money people. It is a different city now, but not in the way that it could have been, and not in a way that appeals to me.

I guess the one thing I feel is a certain inevitability that something will happen again, at some point. Living here, one gets used to that.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

tucson clairvoyant

icon

I wonder if the Tucson Clairvoyant could tell me what the coming school year holds. I am excited to start teaching. I love teaching and I am lucky to teach really bright students. And what an assortment! We have quite an eclectic population. Faculty included. The only thing that is not diverse about our community is that there are probably almost no Republicans among us.

My goal is to keep my energy level up by treating myself well. I will exercise with more discipline and stay organized as much as possible. I want to enjoy my work and not let it stress me out. And part of that will come from learning to say no to obligations that might threaten my balance. I have always had some difficulty with this, and tend to take on too much work. I get it done, and I do it well, but I sacrifice my sanity and peace of mind in the process. And one thing that will help is that I am feeling quite confident these days. The nagging insecurities that plagued me most of my life seem to be dissipating. I hope it is not an illusion.

On another topic: last evening I went out to help celebrate the birthday of a younger friend. Originally I was going to co-host a small party for her but plans changed and I went to the East Village to meet for dinner and then after-dinner carousing somewhere. It was awfully humid last night and I felt it acutely. It seemed to sap my strength. After dinner we went to HiFi, a bar on Avenue A. It was nice enough at first, relatively uncrowded. But the jukebox was incredibly loud and with my less-than-perfect hearing (the curse of aging and the life of a musician) as the place got more full with patrons all I could hear was a unnerving roaring in my ears. I could not have a conversation, even with the people sitting directly next to me. I was tired, and this compounded my feeling of being utterly out of place; it did not help that the place was full of NYU students and I was probably one of the oldest in the room. So I did something rather selfish and uncelebratory and I left. I was upset at myself and the situation, but I could not see another way to cope. I should know better next time. My days of hanging out in crowded loud bars until the wee hours are long behind me.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

forward


blue
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Well, this is my last weekend of freedom. I start teaching Monday. Not that I mind. I am looking forward to it. But it will be different. I had a summer largely unscheduled. Now my days will be ordered by external commitments. It's actually better for me this way. So I am enjoying the weekend so far, although I wish it weren't so damned hot out.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Great Idea...

But is it too little too late? Click on the heading.

busy


red octopus
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

I have been busy preparing to start teaching. I am enjoying being busy and having specific things to do at specific times. I do best that way. I am getting back into my swimming routine more seriously too because I feel fat. I have not gained weight, and I am not fat, but I just feel fat. Hmmm.

Or maybe I just feel out of shape.

I can't stand the Republicans, which should be no surprise to anyone, but here are a few specifics: John McCain is an ass, and the sound of his voice makes me want to vomit. Listening to his lies is torturous. Guiliani is a fascist nightmare. Remember the Brooklyn Museum incident? And who is this Fred Thompson? What a joke! A TV actor. Yikes.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

abandoned park


abandoned park
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

Down toward the end of Columbia Heights, as the street starts its steep downward slope, this abandoned park tempts me. There is something enticing about it. Its decrepitude is sinister. I keep imagining that something horrible must have happened there, something so horrible that the gates are chained closed and no one ever even considers breaking in. On the other hand, maybe people break in there all the time; or maybe it is under constant surveillance. It is a local mystery, or at least it is to me. So odd, that in a city starved for public spaces, one so useful should sit in this state unused.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Hugo


Hugo
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

This is my great-uncle, my grandfather's brother. He was killed when the Nazis invaded Hungary. I do not know the circumstances of his death beyond that. My grandfather was the oldest of eight children, and he and the second sister came to the US before the Nazis began to gain power in Europe. The rest of the siblings were too young to leave their comfortable home in Hungary, and like most of Hungary's Jews they were among the last of Europe's Jewish population to be rounded up and killed by the Nazis.

Of the eight Kessler siblings, only one, Magda, survived the concentration camps. My grandfather was able to bring her over, along with some cousins, after the Allies defeated Hitler. I was named for Hugo, who was the youngest of the eight. My middle name is Hugh. Apparently my grandfather was extremely fond of his brother. He had bright red hair and green eyes. I don't know how old he is in this picture, but he can't be more than sixteen or seventeen. I think he was nineteen when he died.

Isn't it inviting something bad to name a newborn baby after someone who was killed at nineteen? Maybe I am cursed, in which case I am thankful I've made it this long.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

simple

bricks

Some things are perfectly simple. And such things are often the ones I find most compelling.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

trick of the eye

trick of the eye

On a wall on Water Street in Dumbo

deep blue


deep blue
Originally uploaded by madabandon.

A beautiful. lazy day.